A
Rotten Dot Com timeline
October
8 2001 16:20:19hrs PDT
(RDC) - Those responsible
for the September 11 terrorist attacks now have enough images, Quicktime
movies, videotape and trophy news clippings to render their jihadumentary
scrapbook of accomplishment complete. And for a short time, Americans
with hyperextended Amazon Honor System and PayPal Donate accounts wandered
weary through our tumble-down towns and overcrowded hospitals, tubes in
their arms, drained of cash and their hard-earned blood.
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| But now that our nation's Jiffy
Lubes and strip malls are back open for business, the real reasons
we're engaged in battle can be declassified and laid bare before the
entire world. It certainly has nothing to do with George W. Bush wanting
more oil. |
| September
11, 2001 - 9:00am EST |
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Who
Farted?
A
sequence of silent but deadly attacks in New York, Washington DC, and
Shanksville, Pennsylvania. New York skyline rendered more gap-toothed
than David Letterman.
COUGH, CHOKE. Someone crack a window already. Talk about turning
the Big Apple into the Big Crapple. Osama bin Laden, I'm looking in your
direction! My God, sir. How about some of our delicious United States
food for once?
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| September
11, 2001 - 10:00am EST |
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I
Can't Even Believe My Eyes
Christ gals, you've
never seen the world's biggest bong before? It's perfectly simple: put
your thumb and forefinger around the Oh La La! baguette cart at
the mezzanine. Wrap your lips around the Verizon wireless offices and
Charles Schwab headquarters at the top. I'll hold the lighter in one hand
and my cock in the other while you inhale.
No, ladies, no! You're doing it all wrong! Oh for god sakes, you're
letting the precious smoke out! See if I ever try getting you stoned
again. Put on your brassieres and exit my van this instant. Dumb blondes
wasting my Phish tickets. GET OUT, I SAID!
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| September
11, 2001 - 4:14pm PST |
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Take
That, Terrorists
Members of the House of Representatives hug and smooch and grope each
other, gathering together for a show of unity against evil in a more or
less improvisational round of God Bless America.
Here's an idea, gentlemen: don't wear lavender ties to a conference
about how the United States of America has a collective backbone. In times
like these, only the power of rap music can save us.
AMERICA IS REELING /
IT'S TIME TO START THE HEALING /
SO COME ON FOLKS
MAKE NO MORE JOKES
AND LET'S GET WITH THE STEALING
[Chorus: human beat box]
A-PTHTHTH / A-PTHTHTH
VRRRP VRRRP VRRRP A-VRRRP
A-PTHTHH / A-PTHTHTH etc
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| September
11, 2001 - 7:00pm PDT |
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Frasier
Preempted
Veteran developer of programs like Cheers and Wings, Frasier
executive producer David Angell, his wife and two children were all aboard
one of the doomed flights into the World Trade Center. The show is respectfully
canceled for the evening in favor of looping video footage of the plane
crashing into Tower 2 again and again. Frasier scriptwriters struggle
to regain composure and keep on working. The show must go on.
NILES
I-I simply refuse to wrap my mind around the tragic events of
September 11th. I'm in denial and I must call Maris this instant.
FRASIER
Niles!
DAPHNE
B-boot Niles! Doosn't our relationship mean two sticks to ye?
FRASIER
Daphne!
DAD
Jeez, Frasier - relax and leave the poor girl alone.
FRASIER
Dad! |
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| September
12, 2001 - 1:12pm PDT |
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Crap
Imitates Life
A band nobody's ever
heard opts to modify an album cover nobody will ever see, because of an
alleged similarity to the attack on the World Trade Center.
BOOM! I'm a wicked ethno-style music enthusiast pushin' the big red
button and zick-zackin' away on two turntables at once! Chill to my dope
science as I bring down the house with the sheer power of my phat rockin
beats!
Parental Advisory: Utterly retarded
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| September
12, 2001 - 11:00am [Afganistan time] |
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Wee
Pals
Children in Pakistan and Afghanistan engage in a hip new dance called
the Macarena, flashing Nixon's victory sign to celebrate the attacks
way over wherever in the magical land of the United States. Word up,
kids! Just wait until you
hear Michael Jackson's new album with Paul McCartney!
A rumor that candy was distributed among the youth during a town-wide
party later turned out to be false.
First of all, where would they ever find candy? Maybe a
single, smuggled-in Snickers bar was divided up by the hundreds, but seriously.
Let's hope American journalism can stick to the facts and not exaggerate.
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| September
12, 2001 - 11:20am PDT |
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Sob, Sniff, Shut up.
Internet comics
which appear to be drawn by high school students rush to the forefront,
delivering pansy-baskets of HUGZ and pointless scatterbrained sentiment
about the attacks to whomever might be online. Web-safe bluescale color
palettes adorn bloated googly eyeballs from coast to coast.
Hey cartoonists - unless you personally lost a loved one in the
wreckage, constrain your weepy third-grade girl poetry to your stupid
blog and save the perspective for drawing realistic human beings.
The image to the left is a special "commemorative" User Friendly,
available for purchase and suitable for framing. Good fucking jesus, no
wonder it's a dot org.
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| September
18, 2001 - 2:10pm EST |
Right:
The f-word and the s-word.
Below:
The bs-word. |
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Area
News Hardly Parodied
Cast and crew of
The Onion, through a sequence of press releases and interviews with Terry
Gross of Fresh Air announce they will play it safe and demonstrate
restraint with respect to satirizing the attacks. Comedians place a moratorium
on being funny, preferring instead to wheeze and choke their way through
rehearsed lectures about coming together at the request of their sponsors.
Jeez Louise, ladies and germs - thanks for a big family style bucket
of Kentucky Fried Nothing. What's all this bullshit about irony and
cynicism being dead? Isn't the site of the former World Trade Center becoming
a Super Starbucks? Aren't they planning a somber demolishing ceremony
at the pint-size towers of the New York, New York casino in Las Vegas?
People who write satire are disaffected individuals who cannot
fool readers into thinking they give two shits about anything anywhere
in the world. Get off the pot, pick up your quills and show America
the funny shit you left on the cutting room floor, you lazy hacks.
The Non-Writers Guild of America (the Internet community) is working for
free to pick up your slack, and there appears to be a lot of it.
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| September
19, 2001 - 4:21pm EST |
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True
Believer
Actor, activist James Woods (The Choirboys, Hickey & Boggs)
recalls an anecdote from a month ago, as he sat in first class on a flight
to Los Angeles. He spied four men who weren't having anything to eat
or drink. Neither were they reading or sleeping. They were sitting
erect in their seats, staring straight ahead, saying nothing to flight
attendants.
Woods was so unsettled by their behavior, he mentioned it to a flight
attendant and to authorities on the ground after the plane landed safely.
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| October
1, 2001 - 3:46pm PDT |
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Pay
Attention To Me
Kindergarten and first grade teachers across the nation use terrorism
as an excuse not to introduce a new lesson plan for nearly a full week.
Instead, they hand out crayons and construction paper, empowering kids
to "just let it all out". Let's heal, everyone!
Allegedly confused, grieving school children are given free reign all
morning and afternoon, day after day after day, to externalize their presumed-tumultuous
internals with a series of scribbles and wry caricature.
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The plane did not land on the rooftop.
Grade: C-
As far back as I can remember, the World Trade towers have always been
roughly the same size. Next time work from an existing photograph.
Grade: C
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Too
many repetitive word balloons. One "help" or "help me"
is sufficient, this thing's got about fifteen. Cloying and academic.
Grade: B
Exactly what I've come to expect from children. The God Bless America title
caption is completely out of place, delivering less of a patriotic message
than one reminiscent of Monty Python. Did Terry Gilliam do this?
Grade: C |
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"We
will never survive our country" juxtaposed with "Thank you so
much America?" This makes for confusing copy. Try working on a computer
with a version of Microsoft Word which compensates for errors in grammatical
structure.
Grade: D
The Pentagon is not a vertical structure, it lies flat on the ground. Even
if it were, a plane's impact at the apex would not drill straight through
the core like a screw.
Grade: C-
I don't understand the symbolism of the large block of cheese below the
Pentagon. Is it Swiss?
Grade: B |
| October
2, 2001 - 2:10pm EST |
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Do
We Have Enough Fucking Flags?
They wave in slow
motion from the background of our television news bumpers in tastefully
darkened half-opacity. They flutter from car antennas just below the smiling
Styrofoam Jack in the Box icon. They're available in choppy animated GIFs
for display on your Animaniacs web page of fan fiction or fan art.
Old Navy is proud to reintroduce Old Glory. Undocumented, underage workers
in China and Hong Kong are presently working overtime to produce these
precious gifts for you and your loved ones. They've sewn, knitted, woven
and stitched together more red white and blue yards of fabric than anyone
ever thought possible. And they're all five dollars.
DON'T DIS OUR FLAG, MAN! MY DAD DIED FOR THE
FLAG AND I'M OFF TO WALGREENS TO GET ONE MYSELF.
Dude, if you were patriotic you'd already own a flag.
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| October
7, 2001 - 2:10pm EST |
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Thank
God For Christ
Do ya see it? DO YA SEE IT?
EVERYONE GATHER AROUND AND WITNESS THE JOYFUL MIRACLE RIGHT SMACK DAB
IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY.
Oh praise God and glory be - it's a sign from Heaven above, in the form
of a broken-off section of two steel reinforcement beams.
Why it's the sign of the cross! The very same place Jesus Christ
our Lord and Savior himself was crucified and left to hang for three days.
Whoever dares suggest it could also be a big huge "T" for Taliban
is clearly mistaken. We must extract this symbol from the wreckage
and have three priests bless it right away, and erect it where everyone
can get a good gawk.
Police, firefighters, rescue workers, and citizenry alike are now able
to bow their heads every time they turn around and accept Christianity.
How many Jews are there in New York, anyway? Probably not too many.
This is a great, great, great, great day for God and the Bible and America.
Fuck you, Afghanistan! We'll show you what's holy.
AMEN.
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( Posted by Rotten Staff )
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