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  October 8, 2001
America Goes To War

A Rotten Dot Com timeline
Operation World War III

October 8 2001 16:20:19hrs PDT

(RDC) - Those responsible for the September 11 terrorist attacks now have enough images, Quicktime movies, videotape and trophy news clippings to render their jihadumentary scrapbook of accomplishment complete. And for a short time, Americans with hyperextended Amazon Honor System and PayPal Donate accounts wandered weary through our tumble-down towns and overcrowded hospitals, tubes in their arms, drained of cash and their hard-earned blood.

But now that our nation's Jiffy Lubes and strip malls are back open for business, the real reasons we're engaged in battle can be declassified and laid bare before the entire world. It certainly has nothing to do with George W. Bush wanting more oil.

September 11, 2001 - 9:00am EST

Who Farted?

A sequence of silent but deadly attacks in New York, Washington DC, and Shanksville, Pennsylvania. New York skyline rendered more gap-toothed than David Letterman.

COUGH, CHOKE. Someone crack a window already. Talk about turning the Big Apple into the Big Crapple. Osama bin Laden, I'm looking in your direction! My God, sir. How about some of our delicious United States food for once?

September 11, 2001 - 10:00am EST

I Can't Even Believe My Eyes

Christ gals, you've never seen the world's biggest bong before? It's perfectly simple: put your thumb and forefinger around the Oh La La! baguette cart at the mezzanine. Wrap your lips around the Verizon wireless offices and Charles Schwab headquarters at the top. I'll hold the lighter in one hand and my cock in the other while you inhale.

No, ladies, no! You're doing it all wrong! Oh for god sakes, you're letting the precious smoke out! See if I ever try getting you stoned again. Put on your brassieres and exit my van this instant. Dumb blondes wasting my Phish tickets. GET OUT, I SAID!

September 11, 2001 - 4:14pm PST

Take That, Terrorists

Members of the House of Representatives hug and smooch and grope each other, gathering together for a show of unity against evil in a more or less improvisational round of God Bless America.

Here's an idea, gentlemen: don't wear lavender ties to a conference about how the United States of America has a collective backbone. In times like these, only the power of rap music can save us.

AMERICA IS REELING /
IT'S TIME TO START THE HEALING /
SO COME ON FOLKS
MAKE NO MORE JOKES
AND LET'S GET WITH THE STEALING

[Chorus: human beat box]

A-PTHTHTH / A-PTHTHTH
VRRRP VRRRP VRRRP A-VRRRP
A-PTHTHH / A-PTHTHTH etc

 

September 11, 2001 - 7:00pm PDT

Frasier Preempted

Veteran developer of programs like Cheers and Wings, Frasier executive producer David Angell, his wife and two children were all aboard one of the doomed flights into the World Trade Center. The show is respectfully canceled for the evening in favor of looping video footage of the plane crashing into Tower 2 again and again. Frasier scriptwriters struggle to regain composure and keep on working. The show must go on.

NILES
I-I simply refuse to wrap my mind around the tragic events of September 11th. I'm in denial and I must call Maris this instant.

FRASIER
Niles!

DAPHNE
B-boot Niles! Doosn't our relationship mean two sticks to ye?

FRASIER
Daphne!

DAD
Jeez, Frasier - relax and leave the poor girl alone.

FRASIER
Dad!

September 12, 2001 - 1:12pm PDT

Crap Imitates Life

A band nobody's ever heard opts to modify an album cover nobody will ever see, because of an alleged similarity to the attack on the World Trade Center.

BOOM! I'm a wicked ethno-style music enthusiast pushin' the big red button and zick-zackin' away on two turntables at once! Chill to my dope science as I bring down the house with the sheer power of my phat rockin beats!

Parental Advisory: Utterly retarded

September 12, 2001 - 11:00am [Afganistan time]

Wee Pals

Children in Pakistan and Afghanistan engage in a hip new dance called the Macarena, flashing Nixon's victory sign to celebrate the attacks way over wherever in the magical land of the United States. Word up, kids! Just wait until you hear Michael Jackson's new album with Paul McCartney!

A rumor that candy was distributed among the youth during a town-wide party later turned out to be false.

First of all, where would they ever find candy? Maybe a single, smuggled-in Snickers bar was divided up by the hundreds, but seriously. Let's hope American journalism can stick to the facts and not exaggerate.

September 12, 2001 - 11:20am PDT

Sob, Sniff, Shut up.

Internet comics which appear to be drawn by high school students rush to the forefront, delivering pansy-baskets of HUGZ and pointless scatterbrained sentiment about the attacks to whomever might be online. Web-safe bluescale color palettes adorn bloated googly eyeballs from coast to coast.

Hey cartoonists - unless you personally lost a loved one in the wreckage, constrain your weepy third-grade girl poetry to your stupid blog and save the perspective for drawing realistic human beings.

The image to the left is a special "commemorative" User Friendly, available for purchase and suitable for framing. Good fucking jesus, no wonder it's a dot org.

September 18, 2001 - 2:10pm EST
Right:
The f-word and the s-word.

Below:

The bs-word.

Area News Hardly Parodied

Cast and crew of The Onion, through a sequence of press releases and interviews with Terry Gross of Fresh Air announce they will play it safe and demonstrate restraint with respect to satirizing the attacks. Comedians place a moratorium on being funny, preferring instead to wheeze and choke their way through rehearsed lectures about coming together at the request of their sponsors.

Jeez Louise, ladies and germs - thanks for a big family style bucket of Kentucky Fried Nothing. What's all this bullshit about irony and cynicism being dead? Isn't the site of the former World Trade Center becoming a Super Starbucks? Aren't they planning a somber demolishing ceremony at the pint-size towers of the New York, New York casino in Las Vegas?

People who write satire are disaffected individuals who cannot fool readers into thinking they give two shits about anything anywhere in the world. Get off the pot, pick up your quills and show America the funny shit you left on the cutting room floor, you lazy hacks. The Non-Writers Guild of America (the Internet community) is working for free to pick up your slack, and there appears to be a lot of it.

September 19, 2001 - 4:21pm EST

True Believer

Actor, activist James Woods (The Choirboys, Hickey & Boggs) recalls an anecdote from a month ago, as he sat in first class on a flight to Los Angeles. He spied four men who weren't having anything to eat or drink. Neither were they reading or sleeping. They were sitting erect in their seats, staring straight ahead, saying nothing to flight attendants.

Woods was so unsettled by their behavior, he mentioned it to a flight attendant and to authorities on the ground after the plane landed safely.

October 1, 2001 - 3:46pm PDT

Pay Attention To Me

Kindergarten and first grade teachers across the nation use terrorism as an excuse not to introduce a new lesson plan for nearly a full week.

Instead, they hand out crayons and construction paper, empowering kids to "just let it all out". Let's heal, everyone!

Allegedly confused, grieving school children are given free reign all morning and afternoon, day after day after day, to externalize their presumed-tumultuous internals with a series of scribbles and wry caricature.

Art Critics Weigh In



The plane did not land on the rooftop.
Grade: C-




As far back as I can remember, the World Trade towers have always been roughly the same size. Next time work from an existing photograph.
Grade: C

Too many repetitive word balloons. One "help" or "help me" is sufficient, this thing's got about fifteen. Cloying and academic.
Grade: B



Exactly what I've come to expect from children. The God Bless America title caption is completely out of place, delivering less of a patriotic message than one reminiscent of Monty Python. Did Terry Gilliam do this?
Grade: C
"We will never survive our country" juxtaposed with "Thank you so much America?" This makes for confusing copy. Try working on a computer with a version of Microsoft Word which compensates for errors in grammatical structure.
Grade: D


The Pentagon is not a vertical structure, it lies flat on the ground. Even if it were, a plane's impact at the apex would not drill straight through the core like a screw.
Grade: C-



I don't understand the symbolism of the large block of cheese below the Pentagon. Is it Swiss?
Grade: B
October 2, 2001 - 2:10pm EST

Do We Have Enough Fucking Flags?

They wave in slow motion from the background of our television news bumpers in tastefully darkened half-opacity. They flutter from car antennas just below the smiling Styrofoam Jack in the Box icon. They're available in choppy animated GIFs for display on your Animaniacs web page of fan fiction or fan art.

Old Navy is proud to reintroduce Old Glory. Undocumented, underage workers in China and Hong Kong are presently working overtime to produce these precious gifts for you and your loved ones. They've sewn, knitted, woven and stitched together more red white and blue yards of fabric than anyone ever thought possible. And they're all five dollars.

DON'T DIS OUR FLAG, MAN! MY DAD DIED FOR THE FLAG AND I'M OFF TO WALGREENS TO GET ONE MYSELF.

Dude, if you were patriotic you'd already own a flag.

October 7, 2001 - 2:10pm EST

Thank God For Christ

Do ya see it? DO YA SEE IT?

EVERYONE GATHER AROUND AND WITNESS THE JOYFUL MIRACLE RIGHT SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK CITY.

Oh praise God and glory be - it's a sign from Heaven above, in the form of a broken-off section of two steel reinforcement beams.

Why it's the sign of the cross! The very same place Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior himself was crucified and left to hang for three days.

Whoever dares suggest it could also be a big huge "T" for Taliban is clearly mistaken. We must extract this symbol from the wreckage and have three priests bless it right away, and erect it where everyone can get a good gawk.

Police, firefighters, rescue workers, and citizenry alike are now able to bow their heads every time they turn around and accept Christianity. How many Jews are there in New York, anyway? Probably not too many. This is a great, great, great, great day for God and the Bible and America.

Fuck you, Afghanistan! We'll show you what's holy.

AMEN.

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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