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January 31, 2002
The Gaping Maw Digest

A ROTTEN DOT COM Publicational Thursday January 31 2002 - FREE
Information, Features, Editorials, Instruction Serving the Delicate Intellect

From Around The Web:
Cheers to the Yahoo! Mail services splash screen. For maybe nine months in a row, it's been two teen lesbians with their legs spread open, sitting on bean bags:

For the last time: women have no business having e-mail addresses. The Internet is for men only. We don't take leaks in your private powder rooms, do we? So keep out of our little clubhouses and chat rooms.Your sole purpose here is very much object-oriented. And look out from behind - the whole world's about to steamroll you gals flat into the ground.


Mature, big-boned, Christian woman seeks MARRIAGE, COMMITTMENT, KIDS. No smokers! No drinkers! No drug users and no liars! x3493
Elderly, bearded "dad' character seeks slim, smooth, chubby-cheeked pre-teen Asian or Latino boys for extended mutual cocksucking sessions. Must not be shy in the bathtub. x5949
Where are the HOTTIE chicks who just like to fuck or have three-ways? Me = white, 19 year old skater boy, trying to grow a goatee. I'm also a Visual Basic programmer and part-time DJ. x8838
Almost-passable 37-year-old transvestite $eeks $pecial arrangement with generou$, $incere, $eriou$, financially $ucce$$ful $upportive gentlemen only. x2358

The Church of Domino's Pizza

Domino's Pizza founder Tom Monaghan has kindly proposed the construction of a 250-foot crucifix, complete with a 40-foot Jesus in his hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Community Beat!

Minnesota Democrat Richard Shales squirks up his face into a bizarre question-mark shape while listening to allegations he strangled twenty children and chopped their heads off. He hung up the phone without saying anything, and follow-up calls to the home were not received.

Vietnamese biology student Trang Phang Po sits and sulks after hitting on a member of the cheerleading squad. Me so lonely. Get a job, dude.

Hello, I recognize that my face is slightly crooked, but I still manage to resemble Bentley from The Jeffersons.

Hey hey, Mister J!

Meanwhile, chemistry teacher Richard Barnes works overtime to process and distill quality GHB for graduating high school students.

The Kidnapped Journalist Nobody Cared About
NEW YORK - The group that claims it's kidnapped a Wall Street Journal reporter in Pakistan threatened to kill him within 24 hours unless the U.S. government releases Pakistani prisoners held in the Afghan war. Then they “extended” the deadline.
WHEEZE, CHOKE. Nice try. What on earth do you kidnappers think our government has to gain by keeping another Wall Street Journal reporter alive and in business? Nice Star Trek uniform. Christ, as soon as he's back in the United States he'll be dealt with in our own special way. Click, click!


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Death, War, Theft

The family of the first U.S. servicewoman killed in Afghanistan returned from the funeral to find their home had been burglarized.

"We left the grave site and I had to make a pit stop at the house to pick up a car when we noticed the door was kicked in."

Oh, BOO HOO. When my house was broken into, the burglars kicked the bong over. And they just left it there: filthy, dirty, sticky water soaking into the carpet. Fortunately I was able to rent an HR steam cleaning machine from the Safeway two blocks down the street. I guess we know who the real heroes are.

Suicide Child

ARKANSAS - A 3-year-old boy accidentally hanged himself on a rope swing while playing in a tree, police said.

More like he was one of those accelerated gifted students who recognized the pros and cons of remaining alive on a planet where "swings" are considered sufficient entertainment for today's young people. Get some electricity you backwoods huckleberries and help Zelda save the kingdom of Hyrule.

Radioactive Urine

An adult absorbent diaper from Newport Hospital filled with radioactive urine set off the radiation meter at the transfer station last week, said Eric White, hospital spokesman.

A radioactive substance setting off a radiation detector? It just doesn't add up.

And how is radioactive urine any different from regular urine? Both make my wife legitimately unhappy when I hose it across her sleepy face. Good morning, sunshine! Take that. God, I want a divorce. Get out of my home, I wish you were dead.

Sound Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw

Hearing you describe Wen Ho Lee as a "faggot" compelled me to write. He is in fact of Asian descent, likely Korean or Chinese.
Carol Shively
Rock Springs, NM
Never in all my life have I written a letter to a journalistic publication, and I certainly do not intend to start now.
Ed Ames
Nature's Cove, WI

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Synonym, "dick"

Highlight the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!

>> Each tit is worth exactly one dollar.

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