| Hilariousness
in Real Life! |
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|
CLASSIFIED
SUPPLEMENTAL
|
| FOR
SALE. Set of mixing bowls pleasing to housewife with round bottom
for efficient beating. x7091 |
| PRE-VALENTINE'S
DAY HUMPITY HUMP. You + me + flowers + candy + red wine + ball
gags + dildos + duct tape + straight razors + garbage bags + shovels
+ freeway overpass? x4174 |
| I
ask that you please stop farting in my toddler's face when you
think I'm not paying attention. I can hear you downstairs on the baby
room monitor. x8930 |
| Married
but looking for sex. Your place. Please don't snoop through my wallet
when I'm in the bathroom and copy down my address and blackmail me
a week later. x2290 |
| FREE
Puppies! 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 asshole neighbor's doberman.
x2829 |
| Webcams
& Whatnot! |
 click
click click click click click click click SLURP SLORP SLLLLPTH SUCK
COUGH COUGH SPLUTTER GAK CHOKE HNGH-- GASP click
click click click click click click click click click |
|
 Hooo-eee!
Looks like someone left they's garage door unlocked! |
|
Laughter:
The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon
|
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|
|
The
Dead Zone
PART
ONE OF TWO |
 |
| SAN
FRANCISCO - Valencia street used to be a bustling corridor straight
through the Mission district, an efficient well-defined byway
with four lanes of traffic serving both directions. |
 But
in 2001, city officials overwhelmingly supported a decision to kill
fifty percent of traffic in favor of two skinny, limpwristed
bike lanes which accomodated the needs of hippies, guitar players
and Burning Man enthusiasts.This repainting project was a congested,
complicated clusterfuck which confused drivers and bicyclists alike.
 First,
the old dividers would need to be erased. Four lanes of traffic would
get smooshed into two, with a center Dead Zone in between. Only after
bike lanes were painted at the far edges, could San Francisco finally
boast a more environmentally friendly civic agenda. Take that,
Colorado.
"This is a totally, totally radical day," said Castro
resident Gwyn Miller upon hearing the news.  "The
cycling community has spoken. We're here to stay. We got our bike
lanes."
More like dyke lanes. Go to hell you ugly
bitch, and get your body off my laws. For over a year, no part of
Valencia street ever seemed finished or unfinished. Freshly-painted
lines skewered off into unpredictable directions, crisscrossed on
top of one another at major intersections, or simply vanished.
 |
Is this even the
way to my house? Are we in a two-lane road still? Commuters at a standstill
shrieked and screamed, trying to figure out just what the hell was
happening to their neighborhood.
What
the fuck? I've been stuck in my car for three hours and I just want
to get home. MY DOG NEEDS TO GO POTTY, etcetera and so forth.
What have bicyclists
ever brought to a city, apart from horrible traffic accidents? Not
tax dollars, that's for sure. Car owners pay for these roads
by way of vehicle insurance, DMV registration and parking tickets.
Granting special favors to bicyclists is like granting special favors
to people who wear shoes.
So why in a million, billion years do you suppose San Francisco
really approved of this plan? Well, it has nothing to do with bicyclists and everything to do with that mysterious Dead Zone.
Incredible, astonishing answers revealed in the next issue of The
Gaping Maw Digest. |
|
|
| Hello,
I'm On Angel Dust |
 FLORIDA
- St. Petersburg resident Dennis Roache, 34, beheaded another man
with a machete during a fight Monday, then put the severed head on
the hood of a car. Neighbors watched as Roache tried to arrange the
car's rearview mirror.
"He was adjusting the mirror so the head, if it
were alive, could see itself," police spokesman George Kajtsa said.
|
|
the Puffy Jacket diaries.. |
| February
2002 Yo
yo yo - I done bought me this red & orange ski jacket at the corner
Thrizift Mart. Now I can motorcyle around town peepin' at FINE FOXY
CHICKS and do some MAJOR PARTYING!! PEACE OUT!!! |
 |
|
| August
2052 fuckin'
dicklickers with their goddamn ghetto blasters - god i hate them all
- i'm just waiting to die - i want it over - why am i on this bus
- why am i even alive - dear lord in heaven above give me a heart
attack. |
 |
|
Sound
Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw
|
| sind
me more porn of women |
|
Ranger21R@aol.com |
| my
life is shit |
| Davechillinout@aol.com
|
| You
are a pathetic low life sack [of shit] who has never been laid before
which is why you are so bitter against us girls. |
| Michaela.Richards@btinternet.com |
| I'm
one of the few people who read your website and is a retard, asshole,
pedafile, or complete asshole. |
| WiccanLeo14@cs.com
|
| Today,
Snowhite was turning 18. The 7 Dwarfs always where very educated and
polite with Snowhite. When they go out work at mornign, they promissed
a *huge* surprise. Snowhite was anxious. Suddlently, the door open,
and the Seven Dwarfs enter. |
| virussen@nordicnet.dk
|
|
Click here to share YOUR
thoughts and feelings!
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|
THE
PUZZLER
|
|
Can
you spot at least six differences between the following photographs?
|
|
|
Highlight
the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!
|
| >>
Popeye the sailor man lives in a garbage can |
|
