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  February 5, 2002
The Gaping Maw Digest - February 5 2002


A ROTTEN DOT COM Publicational Tuesday February 5 2002 - FREE
Information, Features, Editorials, Instruction Serving the Delicate Intellect

Hilariousness in Real Life!

CLASSIFIED SUPPLEMENTAL

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Looks like someone left they's garage door unlocked!

Laughter: The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon


The Dead Zone
PART ONE OF TWO
SAN FRANCISCO - Valencia street used to be a bustling corridor straight through the Mission district, an efficient well-defined byway with four lanes of traffic serving both directions.
But in 2001, city officials overwhelmingly supported a decision to kill fifty percent of traffic in favor of two skinny, limpwristed bike lanes which accomodated the needs of hippies, guitar players and Burning Man enthusiasts.This repainting project was a congested, complicated clusterfuck which confused drivers and bicyclists alike. First, the old dividers would need to be erased. Four lanes of traffic would get smooshed into two, with a center Dead Zone in between. Only after bike lanes were painted at the far edges, could San Francisco finally boast a more environmentally friendly civic agenda. Take that, Colorado.
   "This is a totally, totally radical day," said Castro resident Gwyn Miller upon hearing the news. "The cycling community has spoken. We're here to stay. We got our bike lanes."
    More like dyke lanes. Go to hell you ugly bitch, and get your body off my laws. For over a year, no part of Valencia street ever seemed finished or unfinished. Freshly-painted lines skewered off into unpredictable directions, crisscrossed on top of one another at major intersections, or simply vanished.
Is this even the way to my house? Are we in a two-lane road still? Commuters at a standstill shrieked and screamed, trying to figure out just what the hell was happening to their neighborhood.
   What the fuck? I've been stuck in my car for three hours and I just want to get home. MY DOG NEEDS TO GO POTTY, etcetera and so forth.
What have bicyclists ever brought to a city, apart from horrible traffic accidents? Not tax dollars, that's for sure. Car owners pay for these roads by way of vehicle insurance, DMV registration and parking tickets. Granting special favors to bicyclists is like granting special favors to people who wear shoes.

So why in a million, billion years do you suppose San Francisco really approved of this plan? Well, it has nothing to do with bicyclists and everything to do with that mysterious Dead Zone.

Incredible, astonishing answers revealed in the next issue of The Gaping Maw Digest.

Hello, I'm On Angel Dust
FLORIDA - St. Petersburg resident Dennis Roache, 34, beheaded another man with a machete during a fight Monday, then put the severed head on the hood of a car. Neighbors watched as Roache tried to arrange the car's rearview mirror.
    "He was adjusting the mirror so the head, if it were alive, could see itself," police spokesman George Kajtsa said.

 the Puffy Jacket diaries..
February 2002 Yo yo yo - I done bought me this red & orange ski jacket at the corner Thrizift Mart. Now I can motorcyle around town peepin' at FINE FOXY CHICKS and do some MAJOR PARTYING!! PEACE OUT!!!

August 2052 fuckin' dicklickers with their goddamn ghetto blasters - god i hate them all - i'm just waiting to die - i want it over - why am i on this bus - why am i even alive - dear lord in heaven above give me a heart attack.

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THE PUZZLER

Can you spot at least six differences between the following photographs?

Highlight the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!

>> Popeye the sailor man lives in a garbage can

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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