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February 12, 2002
The Gaping Maw Digest - February 12 2002


A ROTTEN DOT COM Publicational Tuesday February 12 2002 - FREE
Information, Features, Editorials, Instruction Serving the Delicate Intellect

Mo Betta Greta (Redux)
Greta Van Susteren, 47, was awarded the American Bar Association Presidential Award for Excellence in Journalism. She's represented high-profile clients in criminal cases in federal and supreme courts. Ten years ago, she was brought aboard as a legal analyst for CNN, but the other day she jumped ship to Fox News.
Part of her Fox News hiring bonus included a full-on girlie makeover: eye surgery, bottle-blonde hair bleach, and more “sophisticated” studio lighting. Talk about FOXY!! Can we just get porn stars to do the news, please?

Please Be Advised...

Attention all passengers. If you must ditch a hooker without paying, please act in accordance with the following safety instructions:


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Oddly Enough!!
CROWN POINT, N.Y. -- A man with a rifle killed his girlfriend and a state trooper Monday, then shot himself to death!

SAN DIEGO -- An estranged father shot his ex-wife and her spouse to death before turning the gun on himself!

CONNECTICUT -- A family of four was discovered shot to death in their suburban home!

IOWA -- A Sioux City teenager has been charged with shooting his mother and father... to death!


Laughter: The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon


CLICK HERE TO READ PART ONE
The Dead Zone
PART TWO OF TWO
SAN FRANCISCO - Bicycling advocates contribute little to civic pride apart from chaotic, claustrophobic events like Critical Mass on Market street, a yearly event where thousands of cyclists choke up the Financial district.
The joke is either Critical Mess or Critical Massacre. Bikers swish into traffic and zip around cars. As rush-hour traffic grinds to a halt, so does the commuters' interest in these cyclists' environmental concerns. There's screaming, punching, fighting, horn honking and bell ringing.
Gee, do you think the police know how to handle a tense situation like this? Of course they do: out come the batons. WHAM WHAM WHAM. One by one, each cyclist is knocked to the pavement without warning.
Then it's into the "hold" for serious, permanent injury. Officers yank the twisted limbs of the restrained in all manner of difficult, painful ways. Take that you goddamn shouting, screaming idiots.
So anyway, when Valencia street ditched two full lanes of traffic and installed bike lanes, the entire city wondered what up? Special treatment all of a sudden? The explanation might actually be entertaining if it weren't so goddamn commonplace.
San Francisco has a parking problem. Each evening after work, thousands of car owners fight aggressively to secure any kind of temporary space. The Dead Zone, the blank, inviting island lane in the middle of Valencia street is prime real estate where desperate commuters often turn to stash their cars overnight.
And hey hey, wouldn't you know it: right by 18th street is the Mission District police station, maintaining round the clock surveillance. One anonymous night club bouncer believes cops plant "seed cars" in the Dead Zone - cars which encourage frazzled drivers to line up and follow suit. The minute you're out of sight, police set you up with a $75.00 parking ticket followed by a $200 visit to the towing yard.
And your car won't be released until all your outstanding parking tickets are paid. You'll probably be forced to get a goddamn bicycle.
So what are you bitching about, lady? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Welcome to the world outside of your own house where everyone needs money and everybody gets screwed. Bruises or financial ruin, your choice.

Spotlight: Cripples
Alaska Airlines is firmly committed to spreading awareness of three warning signs a passenger on your coach may be disabled.
Lazy "slacker" attitude, often seen stoned or slumped over in a wheeled chair.
Misanthropic, preferring to spend time in the company of animals.
Asian appearance: Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Korean, Hawaiian, Hongkongian

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The Jive Filter
Catholic Pedophile News
HARLEM -- Roman Cadolic Cardinal Bernard Law, unda increasin' pressuh t'step waaay down as de archdiocese's child sex abuse scandal widens, gots'ta vowed not t'step nowheres.

"When deres the problems in de family, ya' duzn't walk away. Slap mah fro, y'gotsta wo'k dem out togeda' wid God's help," he saids at the Mass. The word is up.

Sound Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw

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THE PUZZLER

Solve for mate. White to throw the board across the room, black to pick the pieces up off the floor and maybe get a girlfriend someday.

Highlight the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!

>> Long enough to poke through the tiny hole in the bathroom stall partition.

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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