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February 14, 2002
The Gaping Maw Digest - February 14 2002

A ROTTEN DOT COM Publicational Thursday February 14 2002 - FREE
Information, Features, Editorials, Instruction HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I Wuv Spying On You
Beary Beary Much!
LOS ANGELES -- Surprise! The FBI has taken to stepping through individual customer purchases made at Wal-Mart. It turns out that on January 15, a clean-shaven male (possibly of Middle Eastern descent) bought nine Valentine teddy bears and fourteen canisters of propane small enough to fit up a teddy bear's ass. The man also bought 12 packets of BBs.
He paid in cash, then left the Stevenson Ranch, California Wal-Mart parking lot in a white GMC. Or Chevy. Or delivery truck. The man was expertly captured on surveillance tape, and his picture was included in the alert to law enforcement agencies. So think about that the next time you purchase a squirt bottle of apricot-scented Lubriderm body lotion and the latest issue of Cat Fancy magazine.

Say It With Spray Paint!
No shit: one of our constipated GMD correspondents used a public bathroom directly after this tagger. The gold glitter ink was still wet and so was the seat. The paper towel dispenser had been literally soaked with urine, and it appears Bonzi here used up all but one single square sheet of toilet paper.


AAA LOCKSMITHING - Keys in the car? Duplicates cheap. Or change the lock on your front door and keep the lady out of your house once and for all. x9021
Therapeutic Massage? Involving both my nuts and your piss-positive attitude. x7726
MAYDAY!! Calling all earth women!! My wife's on antidepressants and I need sex. x1112

Laughter: The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon

Did You Fuck Him? Just Tell Me The Truth!
Is your wife having an affair? The KUBARK counterintelligence manual is a CIA interrogation textbook from 1963 which evaluates body language and other physical manifestations of deceit. Any one of these indicators alone might speed your divorce along good and proper:
(1) A ruddy or flushed face is an indication of anger or embarrassment, but not necessarily of guilt.

(2) A "cold sweat" is a strong sign of fear and shock.
(3) A pale face indicates fear, and usually demonstrates that the interrogator is hitting close to the mark.

(4) A dry mouth denotes apprehension and heightened sensitivity.
(5) Nervous tension is often accompanied by the wringing a handkerchief, or tightly clenched hands and fingers.

(6)The movement of the foot when one leg is crossed over the knee of the other can serve as an indicator. The circulation of the blood to the lower leg is partially cut off, thereby causing a slight lift or movement of the free foot with each heart beat. This becomes more pronounced and observable as the pulse rate increases.
(7) A slight gasp, holding the breath, or an unsteady voice may betray the subject's desire to change the subject or begin a lengthy monologue meant to distract the interrogator from core issues.

(8) Fidgeting takes many forms, and all of them are good indications of nervousness and a proximity to culpability.
(9) A woman under emotional strain or nervous tension will involuntarily draw her elbows to her sides as a protective defense mechanism.

(10) Emotional strain or tension may cause a pumping of the heart which becomes readily visible in the pulse of the neck and throat.

Are You Still Here

PayPal donations now being accepted to assist the following celebrities make good on their promise to "leave the country once and for all" should Al Gore lose the 2000 Presidential election.

Barbara Streisand
"We must steady our fingers holding the dyke against the Republican revolution."
"Has everyone lost their fucking minds? What has happened to people's memories? It's like they have Alzheimer's or something."
Julia Roberts
"He's embarrassing. He's not my president. Republican comes in the dictionary just after reptile and just above repugnant."
Robert Altman
"With Nazis like Bush in the White House, it's no wonder terrorists are attacking us. If Bush gets elected, I'll move to Paris."
Sarah Jessica Parker
"I'm very, very concerned about the Bush presidency."
Alec Baldwin
"I never said unequivocally that [I] would leave the country if Bush won. Never"
Martin Sheen
"Bush is a moron. A white-knuckle drunk."

Sound Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw

i am a 15 year old girl and my mom thinks i am weird
what do you tell a chick with two black eyes? nothin', you dun told [the bitch] twice
i wish there were more beautiful blonde chicks

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Highlight the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!

>> There is no reason on God's green Earth to quit smoking or drinking!

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