I
Wuv Spying On You
Beary Beary Much! |
 LOS
ANGELES -- Surprise! The FBI has taken to stepping through individual
customer purchases made at Wal-Mart. It turns out that on January
15, a clean-shaven male (possibly of Middle Eastern descent) bought
nine Valentine teddy bears and fourteen canisters of propane small
enough to fit up a teddy bear's ass. The man also bought 12 packets
of BBs.
 He
paid in cash, then left the Stevenson Ranch, California Wal-Mart parking
lot in a white GMC. Or Chevy. Or delivery truck. The man was expertly
captured on surveillance tape, and his picture was included in the
alert to law enforcement agencies. So think about that the
next time you purchase a squirt bottle of apricot-scented Lubriderm
body lotion and the latest issue of Cat Fancy magazine. |
| Say
It With Spray Paint! |
 No
shit: one of our constipated GMD correspondents used a public bathroom
directly after this tagger. The gold glitter ink was still wet and
so was the seat. The paper towel dispenser had been literally soaked
with urine, and it appears Bonzi here used up all but
one single square sheet of toilet paper. |
|
CLASSIFIED
SUPPLEMENTAL
|
| AAA
LOCKSMITHING - Keys in the car? Duplicates cheap. Or change the
lock on your front door and keep the lady out of your house once and
for all. x9021 |
| Therapeutic
Massage? Involving both my nuts and your piss-positive attitude.
x7726 |
| MAYDAY!!
Calling all earth women!! My wife's on antidepressants and I need
sex. x1112 |
|
Laughter:
The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon
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| Did
You Fuck Him? Just Tell Me The Truth! |
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| Is your wife
having an affair? The KUBARK counterintelligence manual is a CIA
interrogation textbook from 1963 which evaluates body language and
other physical manifestations of deceit. Any one of these indicators
alone might speed your divorce along good and proper: |
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(1)
A ruddy or flushed face is an indication of anger or embarrassment,
but not necessarily of guilt.
(2) A "cold sweat" is a strong sign of fear and shock. |
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(3)
A pale face indicates fear, and usually demonstrates that the interrogator
is hitting close to the mark.
(4) A dry mouth denotes apprehension and heightened sensitivity.
|
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(5) Nervous tension is often accompanied by the wringing a
handkerchief, or tightly clenched hands and fingers.
(6)The movement of the foot when one leg is crossed over the
knee of the other can serve as an indicator. The circulation of the
blood to the lower leg is partially cut off, thereby causing a slight
lift or movement of the free foot with each heart beat. This becomes
more pronounced and observable as the pulse rate increases. |
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(7)
A slight gasp, holding the breath, or an unsteady voice may betray
the subject's desire to change the subject or begin a lengthy monologue
meant to distract the interrogator from core issues.
(8) Fidgeting takes many forms, and all of them are good indications
of nervousness and a proximity to culpability. |
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(9) A woman under emotional strain or nervous tension will
involuntarily draw her elbows to her sides as a protective defense
mechanism.
(10) Emotional strain or tension may cause a pumping of the
heart which becomes readily visible in the pulse of the neck and throat.
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| Are
You Still Here |
|
PayPal
donations now being accepted to assist the following celebrities
make good on their promise to "leave the country once and for
all" should Al Gore lose the 2000 Presidential election.
|
 Barbara
Streisand
"We must steady our fingers holding the dyke against the
Republican revolution." |
 Cher
"Has everyone lost their fucking minds? What has happened to
people's memories? It's like they have Alzheimer's or something." |
 Julia
Roberts
"He's embarrassing. He's not my president. Republican
comes in the dictionary just after reptile and just above repugnant." |
 Robert
Altman
"With Nazis like Bush in the White House, it's no wonder terrorists
are attacking us. If Bush gets elected, I'll move to Paris." |
 Sarah
Jessica Parker
"I'm very, very concerned about the Bush presidency." |
 Alec
Baldwin
"I never said unequivocally that [I] would leave the country
if Bush won. Never" |
 Martin
Sheen
"Bush is a moron. A white-knuckle drunk." |
|
Sound
Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw
|
| i
am a 15 year old girl and my mom thinks i am weird |
|
MaliceStar@aol.com |
| GIVE
US SOME EXPLODING BODIES FROM THE WTC MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'LL BE FUNNY!!!!!!
|
| dbollinger@tribecatech.com |
| what
do you tell a chick with two black eyes? nothin', you dun told [the
bitch] twice |
| ejyoung@austin.rr.com |
| i
wish there were more beautiful blonde chicks |
| IrishAsian@msn.com |
|
Click here to share YOUR
thoughts and feelings!
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|
THE
PUZZLER
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STARE
AT THE ILLUSTRATION. Is it a delicate Ming vase from the 13th
century? Or two adult gay men masturbating on each other? What do
you see? What do your friends see? Look again!
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Highlight
the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!
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| >>
There is no reason on God's green Earth to quit
smoking or drinking! |
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