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  March 19, 2002
The Gaping Maw Digest - Tuesday March 19 2002


A ROTTEN DOT COM Publicational Tuesday March 19 2002 - FREE
Information, Features, Editorials, Instruction Serving the Delicate Intellect

Oh, That Grinch!

Every Who down in Whoville
Liked smoking a lot.
"I'll put this in their stockings," he said.
"Not just pot."

"I'll get them addicted
To needles and spoons!
They'll fork over dollars
And euro-doubloons!"

So he blowjobbed himself
Down the chimney with care
But sadly got stuck
In his new underwear.


Let's Never Forget

GREENBAY, WI - In honor of the victims and heroes of September 11, artist Gregor Jan derVilks has sculpted two large “shits” resembling either the number eleven or a representation of the World Trade towers. This exhibit will remain open to the public through April 20 of this year, then flushed.

CLASSIFIED SUPPLEMENTAL

ANTIQUE ICE BOX. Glass front, cherrywood oak w/galvanized tin interior. Six shelving units, dead grandmother inside. You pick up. x7091
HUGE COMIC BOOK COLLECTION for sale! Powerpuff Girls, Clerks, Amazing Spider Man, X-Men, also Magic: The Gathering cards. Will take $1000 or sex with wife/daughter x5793
WORK FROM HOME? YES! Unique video distribution company seeks unique fresh-faced talent for unique kidnapping and forced prostitution home-based business. x2829

Laughter: The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon


Army Rules 50% Gay
NOT GAY ENOUGH
NORTH CAROLINA - For nineteen months, 17-year Army veteran Capt. David Donovan has made four resignation requests. Reason: he's come to regard himself as bisexualicious! But Army officials have not only refused these requests, they've questioned the credibility of his claims.
Above: a tank

  “There is [simply] insufficient evidence that any [homosexual] conduct has occurred,” wrote Maj. Gen. Raymond Barrett Jr., commander of the U.S. Army Training Center at Fort Jackson.
   “I'm just trying to do what I believe is right,” Donovan said from his hotel room. Sources suggest he may seek work in the private sector leading troops of bisexual Boy Scouts.

True Tales of COURAGE

 Joe Ternasky and his brother were in Los Angeles flipping through YANK magazine, an escort service yellow pages. There they found a listing for a young entrepreneur working under the name Mistress Wee Wee:

 So sure, what the hell. Joe calls the number for kicks. Two rings, and a timid young girl answers. She can't be more than five years old. More kids are heard in the background.
 "H-hello?" she says.
 "Good afternoon," says Joe. "Is Mistress Wee Wee there?"
 "Hang on," the child replies. Then she cups the receiver with one hand and shouts
Mom! down the hallway as loud as she can.
 "That's when I hung up," recalls Ternasky.


And Speaking Of Girls

 "Don't just drink for thirst," begs the Go-Go energy drink promotional material. "Drink for action, road-trips, jet-lag, all-nighters, race-day, party-haze, getting-it-on, cold-busting, liquid lunch, peace-potion!"
   Go-Go(TM) Sexy Energy is targeted at the techno-generation, a 15-25 year old market who's on the go!
   In December, a spokesman for the Roman Catholic Church condemned its advertising campaign for encouraging promiscuity and turning "every social event for young girls into a potential sexual experience."
  No matter. Every fucking girl in the world now thinks she personally resembles the cartoon illustration on the Go-Go energy drink cans.
   Hey, ladies: of course you look like the Go-Go girl. Space-age Pokemon flapper broads with short hair, big dumb eyes, dopey smiles and panties partially visible through ill-fitting thrift store cocktail dresses are a dime a dozen. Go dildo-battle it out with the Amelie lookalikes and leave the rest of us alone.

Dear Abby,

I'm a thirteen year old girl whose boyfriend got arrested last week, all thanks to you. He came to you for HELP because our sex life had grown routine. He wanted to know more about orgasms, THAT'S ALL. He was not looking to be snitched on to the cops, arrested, his computer seized and his life ruined. Sensitive adult men genuinely interested in meeting younger women online are a rarity. Therefore, from now on, my friends and I intend to direct the bulk of our queries about boys and sex to the Car Talk guys.

Sincerely,
FUCK YOU

Super Duper Pranks


STEP ONE:
Find some guy at work you don't like so much. Notice where he keeps his collection of ball-point or felt-tipped pens.

STEP TWO: Grab a handful and bring them in to the office kitchen. Place them in the microwave. Just a big ol' pile is fine, you don't have to line them up.
STEP THREE: Crank the microwave up to HIGH and press START. Distract other employees from observing the colorful sparks and pops coming from within.

STEP FOUR: Replace the pens. Not even a pocket protector can insulate a white shirt against hot, dripping ink leaking from a Bic. Also works great with dry-erase.

Sound Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw

Yesterday I got laid and I found out I'm too fuckin' big
OVERFIEND187@aol.com
i like cake
infant_eater@hotmail.com
[the item which was here was inaccurate]
[removed]
u guys dont understand islam so means that u r a gay and i m sure that i dont care about ur opinioun
ahmed100@hotmail.com

Click here to share YOUR
thoughts and feelings!


THE PUZZLER

Super Sleuth! Resolve all five clues across the squares to reveal the secret word in red. Pictorial assistance offered.

1. Men like to squeeze a woman's _ _ _ _ _
2. Let bygones be _ _ _ _ _ _ _
3.
Kicked in the _ _ _ _
4. Stuck in your _ _ _ _ all day
5. Sadly the fetus was _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Highlight the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!

>> Professor Plum did it in the Study with Colonel Mustard <<

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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