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  March 28, 2002
The Gaping Maw Digest - Tuesday April 2 2002


A ROTTEN DOT COM Publicational Tuesday April 2 2002 - FREE
Information, Features, Editorials, Instruction Serving the Delicate Intellect

Me So Able To See Again

Ah-so! New Japanese scientist professor man first to clone many good time frog eyeballs in secret laboratory. First to test, (A) Please poke eyeball of tadpole until blind. (B) Then replace eyeball with special value frog eyeball from Test Tube.
"If we keep going in this direction," say man Makoto Asashima, "Possible for people who lose sad eyeballs to see happy again." Success rate is seventy good hard working percents.

Teletugging

SANFORD, Fla. -- A toddler died Tuesday after getting bonked on the head and smooshed by a TV set that fell off a dresser he pulled over.

Cocksucker's Playhouse


Sound Off America!
Letters To The Gaping Maw

I've only got one [testicle] and I still got my girlfriend pregnant.
pooxxx79@hotmail.com
I THANK THAT YOU SHOULD MAKE THIS SIT MADE FOR PEOPLE THAT ARE 16AND OLDER BECAUSE IT IS TO MUCH FOR EXLUSETED FOR YOUND KIDES.
momkixxxn@msn.com
I crap four, maybe five times a day.
m-bxxxey@attbi.com
The best feeling is shooting spoo all over my girl's face.
Name Withheld By Request

Click here to share YOUR
thoughts and feelings!


Laughter: The Best Medicine
Today's Online Cybertoon


Pussycat, Pussycat

SAN JOSE, CA - A beloved 12 year old Calico choked to death on a plastic six-pack drink holder Tuesday, in plain view of the family Web cam.
Images of the strangled cat's head wedged against a stereo cabinet were broadcast every two minutes for seven hours, until its owners returned from the beach.

True Tales of COURAGE

  One day Heather Kirkes was in gym class, playing dodge ball.
  " I was behind this one really cute guy, waiting for him to turn around so I could stare at his dick bulge."
  When another girl saw Heather staring at the young man, she threw the ball in his direction. He "dodged" out of the way, and Heather got pegged hard in the face.

  "The ball knocked me right on my ass," Heather remembers. "I hit my head and blacked out for ten seconds. While unconscious, I pissed my pants."
  When the coach ran over to help, he slipped on her puddle and broke his tailbone.
  "For three years, the other kids called me Miss Peebody."


Almost In Threes
Deaths on March 27, 2002

(1) Milton Berle, 93. Died in sleep.
(2) Dudley Moore, 66. Pneumonia, palsy.
(3) Lyle Lovett, 44. Trampled by bull, right leg broken in several places, alive.

Drive Like A Man
You Dumb Whore


Dead Man Floating

LOS ANGELES -- A 26 year old contestant participating in Dog Eat Dog, a game show “currently in development” lost consciousness Wednesday after being submerged underwater for an unknown length of time.
The man was taken to the hospital and released. Visibly shaken studio audience members returned home to suffocate beneath hours and hours of game shows currently beyond development.

Just Stay Indoors And Never Leave
Punishments For Talking Too Much

MOULTON - Police arrested a white motorist for shrieking Y'ALL NEED TO GROW UP at Ku Klux Klansmen protesting a sixth-grade English assignment. The homework: compile 30 pages of research on black people for Black History Month. The motorist was arrested on charges of inciting a riot and resisting arrest. He was released on two bonds totaling $600.
Meanwhile, at a town meeting in Pittsburgh, a 60 year old man who yammered on and on for 11 extra minutes against the creation of a sewer authority was charged with disruption and trespassing. Together, the charges carry up to two years in jail and a $5,000 fine.

Special Sneak Peek
Playboy's Women of Enron

Phyllis Branton
Facilities

Ultimate Fantasy:
"Brad Pitt, of course."
Shelia Cartwright
Payroll

Turn-ons: champagne bubbles, men with confidence.

Turn offs: Sad people!
Nancy Showalter
Human Resources

Likes: Walks down the lane, square-dancing.

Favorite Quote: "Show me the money!"
Elizabeth Durlough
Data Entry

Typing Speed: 35-40wpm

Looking for: Cheaper apartment, food stamps


THE PUZZLER

Help, I'm Dying of AIDS! This bull dyke "boi" never thought it could happen to her, but now she desperately needs a clean blood transfusion. Can you help direct the flow of blood from Point A to Point B? If you can't, she'll die!

Highlight the text below to see the solution to yesterday's Puzzler!

> Twelve angry men and a baby <

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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