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  May 29, 2002
Prostitution Arrest Comedy Benefit

LIVE From Saint Paul, Minnesota

This Week's
PROSTITUTION ARREST

COMEDY CONCERT BENEFIT

[TRANSCRIPT]

Good evening! Good evening and thank you. Thank you all for coming up north to demonstrate your support for the fantabulous men and women who keep getting arrested for prostitution-related offenses here in beautiful downtown Saint Paul and parts of Frogtown.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

  This has got to be the best-looking crowd we've ever assembled. But enough about me — it's time to get our laugh on! Put your hands together right now, and give our talented comedians a warm welcome to the stage. This is truly a premiere showcase of incredible talent.

[APPLAUSE]

  Thanks! Ho shit—

[MICROPHONE STAND FALLS OVER]

  Hey folks, am I the only one tired of getting busted while trying to get an honest-to-gosh $20 blowjob? What's the dilly-o with this fucked-up town's shaming policy? I'm trying to get a date here, not a one-way ticket to Squaresville!

  Why is the police department trying to ruin my life? How am I supposed to show up for a job interview at Sun Microsystems if my car's been impounded?

[LAUGHTER]

  Have you seen these things? These prostitute photo whatchamadoodles?

  Each week, a dozen or so mug shots are lovingly HTML'd into tables, and made available for public browsing on the Internet. Who knew there was a worldwide market for individuals out there studying the Saint Paul five-day prostitute forecast?
  Perhaps over time, everyone in town will end up on the police department's shit list. Is that what his holiness Saint Paul would have wanted, were he alive today? Maybe then the very concept of sin and shame will be redefined, perhaps obliterated once and for all. And how am I supposed to tell the difference between sin and shame, anyway? Is it a sin to stick it in, and a shame to pull it out? Ha! Kids, you know I'm joshin'. Can I get an Amen?

  Whew. But Saint Paul prostitutes stand to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue each year as the result of these busts, men like you and me stand to lose their cars — and that's what this benefit is all about.

  The tragic aftermath of 9-11 you've heard about in the news lately is right here in Minnesota, where young men lay helpless and paralyzed on the ground, clutching their nuts and holding it in. So let's get those phones ringing. Let's restore the rights of American citizens to get laid whenever they want. Call right now.
   [LIGHT CLAPPING]

   Sure, thanks. But more to the point, how did these cops gain access to digital cameras, PhotoShop, and a registered copy of Dreamweaver?

  
Okay. Y'ever notice how juxtaposed alongside these barely legal teen beauties are the johns who love them? What do these portraits in blue accomplish, anyway? Are we supposed to mix and match and play guessing games as to who tried soliciting who?
  Did I say johns? They look more like Juans! Busted for prostitution means busted for not being a citizen. Are the hookers in Saint Paul unwitting players in America's ongoing war against Mexicans?
THE MEXICO-MINNESOTA CONNECTION
Mexican culture penetrates
American borders..
..path weaves through states.. ..Mexican culture curtailed
in Minnesota.

  Jumpin' Jehosaphat! A withering picture-taking campaign isn't going to humiliate anybody. Why would immigrants ever be concerned that kindergartners all the way over in Korea can see what they're doing?

   Last time I checked, America was still a multicultural melting pot of opportunity. But I don't believe I ever witnessed Manuel from Faulty Towers using a computer with Internet access.

   Yipa, yipa! Andele, arriba!

[POLITE APPLAUSE]

  And not to get off on a rant here, but will someone please explain how thousands of Mexicanese immigrants can snake all the way up through God's America for sightseeing tours of Minnesota-flavored hookers like the one pictured to the right?

   Switch off the red light and take a coffee break, Roxanne — you've earned it!

  Hey-o!

[LAUGHTER]
  True story. One chilly October evening while tokin' up up and away at a particularly lengthy red light (kids, don't do drugs) I found myself feeling a whispery bit vulnerable. You men in the audience know what I'm talking about! So I figured what the heckaroo. I went ahead and waved a prostitute over into my car.

  Before I could even introduce myself, she donkey-punches me square in the cock, points at my suspenders and barks, "What are you waiting for? Let's get on with it." Get on with it? I hadn't even gone to the ATM yet! She didn't even know my name!

[LAUGHTER]
  Well, it's no exaggeration to say I was shocked and stunned into somber silence. That's not how you make friends. I'm a person with feelings, and I can't be expected to have intercourse with a complete stranger at the drop of my pants.
  I need to be aroused first. Why not try a little romance, mademoiselle? Or some pleasant conversational chit chat? Tell me about yourself. Where'd you grow up? How do you feel about all the civic gentrification? Do you like The Simpsons?

  Anyway, the woman refuses!

   "No way," she says. "I don't got the time for this, it's gonna be takin' y'all all fuckin' day. Y'all are fuckin-a limp dick useless with a capital Y-O-U."
  This Saint Paulie girl appeared to be one hundred percent business. I was so flabbergasted I hit the top of her head with a claw hammer. She made a weird noise. Then there was blood, and loud, long, gurgling howls and sobs that went on and on. Jeez Louise! Just send me an oversized e-mail attachment, why don'tcha? If you want to communicate, do like me and use puppets.
Me
Learn the rules
of the road, bitch!
(BONK, BASH)


Lady
OW OW OW OW

Me
You're goddamn right.
  After a few good old-fashioned stabs and chops with a screwdriver, I could see her right arm was still moving.

   Christ, lady — now you wanna shake my hand? I gave you a chance to be nice to me!
  Anyway, you can bet as soon as Lady McLoudmouth was dead and gone, I yanked off her brassiere and pulled down her pants. Then I stuffed a Krispy Kreme wrapper up her vagina just to demonstrate there were no hard feelings.

[LOUD TAPPING]

  Hello, is this thing on? Mork calling Orson. I said I stuffed a Krispy Kreme wrapper– oh, never mind. Am I right folks about all Jack in the Box cups cluttering up the front seat? What's that about?

   Minnesota cops would practically be doing me a favor by seizing my vehicle. And do some vacuuming in there, while you're at it! Just don't knock my preprogrammed radio stations around like the spicks at the car wash.
  Seriously though, there's one thing that is no joke, and that's recycling.

[APPLAUSE]


  
Christ on the cross, do I hate hookers. That's my time — stay in school everybody!

[APPLAUSE, WILD CHEERS]

[DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed and inappropriate humor contained herein are of the author, not of Gaping Maw or Rotten.com. This piece was posted unedited, with mixed feelings about it.]

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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