| LIVE
From Saint Paul, Minnesota |
This
Week's
PROSTITUTION ARREST
COMEDY CONCERT BENEFIT
|
[TRANSCRIPT]
Good evening!
Good evening and thank you. Thank you all for coming
up north to demonstrate your support for the fantabulous men and
women who keep getting arrested for prostitution-related offenses
here in beautiful downtown Saint Paul and parts of Frogtown.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]
|
 |
| This has
got to be the best-looking crowd we've ever assembled. But enough
about me — it's time to get our laugh on! Put your
hands together right now, and give our talented comedians a warm welcome
to the stage. This is truly a premiere showcase of incredible talent.
|
 |
[APPLAUSE]
Thanks! Ho shit—
[MICROPHONE STAND FALLS OVER]
Hey folks, am I the only one tired of getting busted
while trying to get an honest-to-gosh $20 blowjob? What's the
dilly-o with this fucked-up town's shaming policy? I'm
trying to get a date here, not a one-way ticket to Squaresville!
|
 |
Why is the
police department trying to ruin my life? How am I supposed to show
up for a job interview at Sun Microsystems if my car's been impounded?
[LAUGHTER]
Have you seen these things? These prostitute photo whatchamadoodles?
Each week, a dozen or so mug shots are lovingly HTML'd
into tables, and made available for public browsing on the Internet.
Who knew there was a worldwide market for individuals out there studying
the Saint Paul five-day prostitute forecast? |
 |
 |
Perhaps over
time, everyone in town will end up on the police department's
shit list. Is that what his holiness Saint Paul would have wanted,
were he alive today? Maybe then the very concept of sin and shame
will be redefined, perhaps obliterated once and for all. And how am
I supposed to tell the difference between sin and shame, anyway? Is
it a sin to stick it in, and a shame to pull it out? Ha! Kids,
you know I'm joshin'. Can I get an Amen?
Whew. But Saint Paul prostitutes stand to lose hundreds
of thousands of dollars in revenue each year as the result of these
busts, men like you and me stand to lose their cars — and that's
what this benefit is all about.
The tragic aftermath of 9-11 you've heard about in the
news lately is right here in Minnesota, where young men lay helpless
and paralyzed on the ground, clutching their nuts and holding it in.
So let's get those phones ringing. Let's restore the rights of American
citizens to get laid whenever they want. Call right now. |
|
 |
[LIGHT
CLAPPING]
Sure, thanks. But more to the point, how did these cops
gain access to digital cameras, PhotoShop, and a registered copy of
Dreamweaver?
Okay. Y'ever notice how juxtaposed alongside
these barely legal teen beauties are the johns who love them? What
do these portraits in blue accomplish, anyway? Are we supposed to
mix and match and play guessing games as to who tried soliciting who? |
 |
| Did I say
johns? They look more like Juans! Busted for prostitution means
busted for not being a citizen. Are the hookers in Saint Paul unwitting
players in America's ongoing war against Mexicans? |
| THE
MEXICO-MINNESOTA CONNECTION |
|
Mexican
culture penetrates
American borders.. |
..path
weaves through states.. |
..Mexican
culture curtailed
in Minnesota. |
|
 |
Jumpin'
Jehosaphat! A withering picture-taking campaign
isn't going to humiliate anybody. Why would immigrants ever be concerned
that kindergartners all the way over in Korea can
see what they're doing?
Last time I checked, America was still a multicultural
melting pot of opportunity. But I don't believe I
ever witnessed Manuel from Faulty Towers using a computer with Internet
access.
Yipa, yipa! Andele, arriba!
[POLITE APPLAUSE]
|
 |
 |
And
not to get off on a rant here, but will someone please explain how
thousands of Mexicanese immigrants can snake all the way up through
God's America for sightseeing tours of Minnesota-flavored hookers
like the one pictured to the right?
Switch off the red light and take a coffee break, Roxanne
— you've earned it!
Hey-o!
[LAUGHTER]
|
 |
 True
story. One chilly October evening while tokin' up up and away
at a  particularly
lengthy red light (kids, don't do drugs) I found myself feeling a
whispery bit vulnerable. You men in the audience know what I'm talking
about! So I figured what the heckaroo. I went ahead and waved a prostitute
over into my car.
Before I could even introduce myself, she donkey-punches
me square in the cock, points at my suspenders and barks, "What
are you waiting for? Let's get on with it." Get on with
it? I hadn't even gone to the ATM yet! She didn't even know my
name!
[LAUGHTER] |
| Well, it's
no exaggeration to say I was shocked and stunned into somber silence.
That's not how you make friends. I'm a person with feelings,
and I can't be expected to have intercourse with a complete
stranger at the drop of my pants. |
 |
I
need to be aroused first. Why not try a little romance,
mademoiselle? Or some pleasant conversational chit chat? Tell me about
yourself. Where'd you grow up? How do you feel about all the
civic gentrification? Do you like The Simpsons?
Anyway, the woman refuses!
"No way," she
says. "I don't got the time for this, it's gonna be
takin' y'all all fuckin' day. Y'all are fuckin-a
limp dick useless with a capital Y-O-U." |
 |
| This Saint
Paulie girl appeared to be one hundred percent business. I was so
flabbergasted I hit the top of her head with a claw hammer. She made
a weird noise. Then there was blood, and loud, long, gurgling howls
and sobs that went on and on. Jeez Louise! Just send me an
oversized e-mail attachment, why don'tcha? If you want to communicate,
do like me and use puppets. |
 |
Me
Learn the rules
of the road, bitch!
(BONK, BASH)
Lady
OW OW OW OW
Me
You're goddamn right. |
|
 |
After
a few good old-fashioned stabs and chops with a screwdriver, I could
see her right arm was still moving.
Christ, lady — now you wanna shake my hand? I gave
you a chance to be nice to me! |
 |
| Anyway, you
can bet as soon as Lady McLoudmouth was dead and gone, I yanked off
her brassiere and pulled down her pants. Then I stuffed a Krispy Kreme
wrapper up her vagina just to demonstrate there were no hard feelings.
|
|
[LOUD
TAPPING]
Hello, is this thing on? Mork calling Orson. I said I
stuffed a Krispy Kreme wrapper– oh, never mind.
Am I right folks about all Jack in the Box cups cluttering up the
front seat? What's that about?
Minnesota cops would practically be doing me a favor
by seizing my vehicle. And do some vacuuming in there, while you're
at it! Just don't knock my preprogrammed radio stations around like
the spicks at the car wash. |
Seriously
though, there's one thing that is no joke, and that's recycling.
[APPLAUSE]
Christ
on the cross, do I hate hookers. That's my time — stay in school
everybody!
[APPLAUSE, WILD CHEERS] |
|
[DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed and inappropriate humor contained herein are
of the author, not of Gaping Maw or Rotten.com. This piece
was posted unedited, with mixed feelings about it.]
|
