SCIENCE
AND TECHNOLOGY:
Our Feminine Universe |
Mars Needs
Boobs
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On Wednesday June 6, the Russian
space program announced it would likely ban women cosmonauts from
any upcoming expeditions to Mars.
Is European astro-methodology again
demonstrating its superiority over that of the United States? |
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Space, it seems, has
no use for a woman's touch. There are no hotel beds to turn down, nor drinks
to serve, nor butter to churn.
Delicate lace doilies at the bottom of every
crater? Strawberry beeswax candles and potpourri crockpots? This frilly
decoupage adds unnecessary weight to today's supercharged, streamlined shuttles,
and disposable paper products refuse to be flushed down a zero gravity toilet.
Give a woman uncharted acres of extraterrestrial
real estate and she'll treat it like the wicker trash basket under her bathroom
sink. The rocky terrain quickly degenerates into a casual repository for
Q-tips, lipstick-stained cottonballs and rusty pink razors. Who foots the
bill? You and me, the taxpayers.
NASA will not dispatch female astronauts to
Mars in the near future, and women will not be sent to the moon. These decisions
were based on a number of factors, chief among them the simple fact that
neither Mars nor the moon really needs to be vacuumed. |
| Nevertheless, these researchers should type
up their report on plain white paper and fax it on over to three fucking
years ago, when adult production company Private was filming their Black
Label trilogy The Uranus Experiment. Czech porn actress Sylvia Saint
- and others - artfully demonstrated men and women can work together
in zero-gravity conditions. |
| Filmmakers spent close to $750,000
on the production. The musical score was co-arranged by The Prodigy's
Liam and Massive Attack's 3D DelNaja. |
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| Cast and crew boarded an aircraft
which climbed to 30,000 feet, then plummeted towards Earth for 25
second rounds of sex in simulated weightlessness again and again. |
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| It was the same gimmick used in Ron
Howard's Apollo 13, which cost over twice Private's
budget and offered only half as many cumshots. |
|
| -
CUSTOMER EPINIONS - |
| "..too
many close-ups of guys' faces and genitalia.." |
| "..it
looks like the pop shot was just shown upside down." |
| "..had
to wait a full hour for an anal.." |
| "..why
would Liam or DelNaja want to be associated with this crap?" |
| "..a
boring, pretentious, unarousing piece of garbage." |
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| A round-trip to Mars could last up to three
years. According to Russian authorities, a single-sex team would be more
conducive to good science. Otherwise, as cited in their latest pronouncement,
there might be “high probabilities of potential
conflicts among the crew.” Well, we all know what that means,
but what specifically did the Russians discover? Why can't trained,
professional astronauts - not just porn stars - enjoy sex in space? |
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| ABOVE:
Intense training at NASA/AMES |
|
THE
TRUTH IS FRIGHTENING
|
| Any woman strong enough
to pass the rigorous physical examination, and smart enough
to demonstrate advanced scientific competence is what we here on Earth
call a lesbian. |
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| Women in aerospace, like
women in any technology sector are as gay as birthday cakes. There's
no other way to say it. They're just plain dykes, and they
don't put out. |
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| Russian lesbians on Mars?
It sounds like a B-movie. Do we really need more collectible
Xena figurines floating around in our airtight capsules? There's barely
enough room in our cubicles. |
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| In 1986, esteemed physicist Richard
P. Feynman ascertained a series of defective O-rings were the primary cause
of the spectacular Challenger explosion featuring New Hampshire high school
teacher Christa McAuliffe. |
| Let's cross our fingers, and hope future
generations of straight, gay, lesbian and transgendered astronauts
can keep up the altitude and jettison some of that schoolmarmy “I work
twice as hard as everyone else so I belong in space” sassmouth attitude.
We can all do without it. |
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| Hugh
Hefner and friends react to the Challenger's demise. |
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The idea of females aboard the space shuttle
should be cause for celebration, not alarm. After all, prostitutes were
welcomed aboard British navy ships throughout the 19th century.
During the Civil War, the Union army constructed
entire cities of call girls near central camps. Indeed, it was General
Joseph Hooker himself who coined today's most popular euphemism
for the female escort.
Since World War II, prostitution has boomed
and blossomed wherever our men are stationed overseas - a situation the
Pentagon meets with an enthusiastic thumbs up.
If innovation is going to usher mankind from
the inner seas to outer space, it must remain accessible to our ladies
in uniform. |
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What are space crews, if not scared,
lonely soldiers millions of miles away from sweet teenage pussy? Whores
on the shuttle are mandatory, whether they be genetically engineered,
cloned, kidnapped, or otherwise recruited.
Young girls face enormous challenges today.
Our society needs to foster their curiosity about sex, not bury it. Lesbianism,
like cancer, must be treated early on.
Preparing for post-adolesence means switching
off Buffy, putting on a tight half-belly tank top and volunteering
your affection where it matters the most. There are exciting career
opportunities in aeronautics. The human race depends on it.
Will Russians seize the upper hand
in this race to get laid in outer space? Can the United States demonstrate
leadership in anything other than faked moon landings? If an all-male
shuttle runs out of fuel, who's going to get out and push? These are the
issues our administration has yet to address.
It's time for a new face on Mars
- and a payload of beautiful titties.
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| THIS
COULD BE YOU |
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( Posted by Rotten Staff )
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