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June 7, 2001
Mars Needs Boobs

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY:
Our Feminine Universe

Mars Needs Boobs

On Wednesday June 6, the Russian space program announced it would likely ban women cosmonauts from any upcoming expeditions to Mars.

Is European astro-methodology again demonstrating its superiority over that of the United States?
Space, it seems, has no use for a woman's touch. There are no hotel beds to turn down, nor drinks to serve, nor butter to churn.

Delicate lace doilies at the bottom of every crater? Strawberry beeswax candles and potpourri crockpots? This frilly decoupage adds unnecessary weight to today's supercharged, streamlined shuttles, and disposable paper products refuse to be flushed down a zero gravity toilet.

Give a woman uncharted acres of extraterrestrial real estate and she'll treat it like the wicker trash basket under her bathroom sink. The rocky terrain quickly degenerates into a casual repository for Q-tips, lipstick-stained cottonballs and rusty pink razors. Who foots the bill? You and me, the taxpayers.

NASA will not dispatch female astronauts to Mars in the near future, and women will not be sent to the moon. These decisions were based on a number of factors, chief among them the simple fact that neither Mars nor the moon really needs to be vacuumed.
Nevertheless, these researchers should type up their report on plain white paper and fax it on over to three fucking years ago, when adult production company Private was filming their Black Label trilogy The Uranus Experiment. Czech porn actress Sylvia Saint - and others - artfully demonstrated men and women can work together in zero-gravity conditions.
Filmmakers spent close to $750,000 on the production. The musical score was co-arranged by The Prodigy's Liam and Massive Attack's 3D DelNaja.
Cast and crew boarded an aircraft which climbed to 30,000 feet, then plummeted towards Earth for 25 second rounds of sex in simulated weightlessness again and again.
It was the same gimmick used in Ron Howard's Apollo 13, which cost over twice Private's budget and offered only half as many cumshots.

- CUSTOMER EPINIONS -
"..too many close-ups of guys' faces and genitalia.."
"..it looks like the pop shot was just shown upside down."
"..had to wait a full hour for an anal.."
"..why would Liam or DelNaja want to be associated with this crap?"
"..a boring, pretentious, unarousing piece of garbage."
A round-trip to Mars could last up to three years. According to Russian authorities, a single-sex team would be more conducive to good science. Otherwise, as cited in their latest pronouncement, there might be “high probabilities of potential conflicts among the crew.” Well, we all know what that means, but what specifically did the Russians discover? Why can't trained, professional astronauts - not just porn stars - enjoy sex in space?
ABOVE: Intense training at NASA/AMES

THE TRUTH IS FRIGHTENING
Any woman strong enough to pass the rigorous physical examination, and smart enough to demonstrate advanced scientific competence is what we here on Earth call a lesbian.
Women in aerospace, like women in any technology sector are as gay as birthday cakes. There's no other way to say it. They're just plain dykes, and they don't put out.
Russian lesbians on Mars? It sounds like a B-movie. Do we really need more collectible Xena figurines floating around in our airtight capsules? There's barely enough room in our cubicles.
In 1986, esteemed physicist Richard P. Feynman ascertained a series of defective O-rings were the primary cause of the spectacular Challenger explosion featuring New Hampshire high school teacher Christa McAuliffe.

Surely he's joking. More like a series of defective lesbo-rings somewhere in the cockpit, if you know what I'm talking about.

Next time? A little less cowboy-style rough and tumble horseplay to the soulful rhythms of Mel C, and little more involvement during rehearsal.

YOU GO, GIRLS!!!! DUH
Let's cross our fingers, and hope future generations of straight, gay, lesbian and transgendered astronauts can keep up the altitude and jettison some of that schoolmarmy “I work twice as hard as everyone else so I belong in space” sassmouth attitude. We can all do without it.
Hugh Hefner and friends react to the Challenger's demise.

A MORE ELEGANT SOLUTION

The idea of females aboard the space shuttle should be cause for celebration, not alarm. After all, prostitutes were welcomed aboard British navy ships throughout the 19th century.

During the Civil War, the Union army constructed entire cities of call girls near central camps. Indeed, it was General Joseph Hooker himself who coined today's most popular euphemism for the female escort.

Since World War II, prostitution has boomed and blossomed wherever our men are stationed overseas - a situation the Pentagon meets with an enthusiastic thumbs up.

If innovation is going to usher mankind from the inner seas to outer space, it must remain accessible to our ladies in uniform.

What are space crews, if not scared, lonely soldiers millions of miles away from sweet teenage pussy? Whores on the shuttle are mandatory, whether they be genetically engineered, cloned, kidnapped, or otherwise recruited.

Young girls face enormous challenges today. Our society needs to foster their curiosity about sex, not bury it. Lesbianism, like cancer, must be treated early on.

Preparing for post-adolesence means switching off Buffy, putting on a tight half-belly tank top and volunteering your affection where it matters the most. There are exciting career opportunities in aeronautics. The human race depends on it.

Will Russians seize the upper hand in this race to get laid in outer space? Can the United States demonstrate leadership in anything other than faked moon landings? If an all-male shuttle runs out of fuel, who's going to get out and push? These are the issues our administration has yet to address.

It's time for a new face on Mars - and a payload of beautiful titties.

THIS COULD BE YOU

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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