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"FOUR
STARS" - Roger Ebert
Shrek ................ Mike Myers
Donkey ............... Eddie Murphy
Princess Fiona ....... Cameron Diaz
Lord Farquaad ........ John Lithgow
Produced by .......... DreamWorks SKG
Directed by .......... Who Cares |
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| Before Bill Budge
came along with Pinball Construction Set in 1985, the
majority of software pinball games shared a peculiar flaw. Just before your
ball rolled down the exit ramp, you could jam the flipper up and seize it
cold. You could trap it right there, pausing long enough to regain composure
like you might in the real world. On the Apple ][, however, something was
wrong. The ball's internal logic seemed to be getting in the way. I am
a heavy metal sphere, it declared. I'm on a slick, inclined plane
and I'm affected by gravity. |
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 The
pinball should have remained at rest, but it never stopped moving. It twiddled
back and forth by a margin of one or two pixels. It was stuck in a most
unfortunate region of space: the inverted apex of opposing diagonals, each
with conflicting directional assignment.
Sometimes it twiddled fast, sometimes it twiddled
slow. Either way, the end result was a complete disintegration of the implied
understanding that normal, natural physics were somehow at play. And when
the illusion ended, so did the game.
Disgusted, you threw the beige paddles down
on the kitchen table and stormed off, another adolescent casualty of untalented,
thoughtless programming. |
twiddle
n : a series of small (usu. idle) twists or turns v 1: turn in a twisting
or spinning motion; "The leaves twiddled in the autumn wind" [syn: twirl,
swirl, whirl] 2: manipulate, as in a nervous or unconscious manner [syn:
fiddle with] - Webster's New World Dictionary
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ixteen years later,
in the form of DreamWorks' Shrek, nothing has been learned from Budge's
pioneering treatise on the benefits of realistic non-animation. Here is
a ragtag assortment of plot, character, music and form so completely retarded,
so profoundly awful and repellent that audiences for decades to come will
be forced to acknowledge time and again to their children that yes indeed,
this piece of shit was created by human beings on a computer.
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| HERE
THEY COME TO LICK OUR DICKS |
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Over the course of an hour and a half, whimsical creatures wink, blink and
roll their eyes. They scratch their chins and furrow their brows. Their arms dangle to and fro, sometimes refusing to arrive
anywhere near a full stop. Shrek and his entourage can be seen in every
frame twitching, scratching, smirking, jerking, bobbling their idiotic heads
from side to side. They squinch up their facial expressions like autistic,
constipated children. Why? Pretty much for no reason other than software
development has enabled them to do so. |
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| "GRRR!
Dig my texture-mapped angry face." |
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ave we all died and
gone to Chuck E. Cheese? Is this our punishment for remaining alive on planet
Earth? These filmmakers have retained none of the morals laid forth in Jurassic
Park. Just because they could doesn't mean they should.
Dating Game parodies, Matrix-style fight scenes and bland musical
numbers sproing from nowhere, screaming the same message over and over:
WE'RE HACKS.
Let the record reflect that Shrek contains
no memorable story, no conflict, nor cinematic narrative device of any value.
Vague themes are cobbled together from The Princess Bride, Rapunzel,
and numerous other forgettable scraps of Disney-branded folklore, distilled
into a four word Onion headline from the Dark ages. Damsel in
Distress Rescued. |
Cameron
Diaz (Feeling Minnesota) supplies the voice of
this damsel, Princess Fiona. Once and for all, Diaz confirms she is unable
to act her way out of a grocery bag, regardless of whether or not her tits
are displayed onscreen. Fiona walks, talks, and combs her hair with all
the inspired realism of a Honey Nut Cheerios bee.
One experiences little more than palpable
discomfort when exposed to Diaz's shrill, hyperactive vocal gymnastics.
Viewers can feel her sitting in the studio, shifting in her chair,
stumbling over complicated blocks of text. Fiona's words are violently expelled,
as though encouraged by sharp, painful blows to the abdomen. |
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| Casting Diaz was a risky decision which
didn't pay off. If producers afforded her the opportunity to improvise,
her inane self-styled comedy squawkings did nothing to shield our delicate
ears from one of the most appalling aspects of Shrek: the musical
score. |
--
what's the deal with airplane food? And TV commercials? Have you
seen these things? OH GOD I'M SINKING --
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| THE
BAHA MEN wording it up, obeying their thirst. |
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andy Newman's “You've
Got A Friend In Me” didn't flush Toy Story down the crapper
until at least a full half-hour had elapsed. Less than thirty seconds into
Shrek, ridiculous and inappropriate music engages the audience with
unmitigated anal assault and battery.
DreamWorks has slopped together a limpwristed
showcase of the shittiest music ever recorded inside an MTV breakroom. Present
and accounted for are Smash Mouth, The Baha Men (Who Let The Dogs Out?),
The Eels, Leslie Carter, Halfcocked, Self, and many others not worth mentioning.
It's not a spoiler to reveal this music is
primarily youth-focused window dressing for insipid, unnecessary montage
sequences during which the entire audience sits silent, motionless,
goggle-eared with anger and disbelief. |
| Yes, montage sequences! In an animated
film released this year. Each is a loud, prolonged fart in your face.
Why didn't the audio engineers just master these tracks directly onto a
length of toilet paper? You endure this movie like a McDonald's drive-through
and you exit the same way: feeling sleazy, gross, ashamed, obese. If you
must put a cock in your mouth and suck on it, just stay home and
dial an escort service. |
Third
Rock was canceled! Oh joyous rapture, I'm finally free to return to my first
love - animated feature films!
I'll
write some poems! And a novel! And record a delightful children's holiday
alb-- *HURMPH* HEART
ATTACK
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ddie Murphy (Harlem
Nights) is a fucking donkey - a blubbering, tiresome sidekick from
the Jar Jar school of method acting. He follows Disney's family movie blueprint
to the letter: mincing and miming, prancing and jiving like there's no tomorrow.
Every time you see this character, you whisper the same silent prayer. Please
dear God, let Donkey fall down a hole and break his neck. Of course,
he never does.
He is a mosquito of unlimited energy, buzzing
in your ear one minute, flying up your ass the next. Donkey's exhausting
one-liners are presented the same way children in John Hughes movies speak;
like smart mouthed, fresh-faced miniature adults attempting to crack wise.
From start to finish, Donkey's verbal and physical mannerisms are exactly
what you might expect from Sinbad, James Brown, Martin Lawrence - indeed
anyone with unrestricted access to 64-ounce cans of malt liquor. |
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| Can
our journey involve a transvestite prostitute? Please? Huh? Please?
Can it? Please? Huh? |
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--See, y'allz
know women be different than men! Men be all hoggin' the remote control
and shit! Am I right? --
I FEEL
GOOD / DOW NA NOW NA NOW NA NOW / I KNEW THAT I WOULD / DOW NA
NOW NA NOW NA NOW
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| The movie poster wants this to be
“the greatest story never told,” which turns out to be the same
old story ticketholders are tired of paying for and quite happy remaining
oblivious to. It's what's inside that counts, blows the press kit.
Didja hear that everyone?? Let's all look beyond the surface of people's
skins and appreciate individuals for who they really are!! GEE
WHIZ, I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. |
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Possibly, the press kit is alluding to
the threadbare love story between Shrek and Fiona, a gimmick which only
further suffocates viewers. Hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of tedious
animation so this guy can sit in a dew-dappled meadow and talk about
his fucking feelings? PLEASE CHOKE ON SOMETHING.
Worse yet, there is but one line in
the movie directly addressing this love. The pinnacle of Shrek's romantic
exposition is dispensed thusly:
DONKEY
You love her, don't you?
SHREK
Yeah. |
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| If Shrek is subjected to the
same moral criteria preached by the press kit - or other DreamWorks productions
like Mouse Hunt, Meet The Parents, American Beauty, Evolution
- how many unique treasures of the human heart will we find just beneath
the surface? Hint: ZERO. |
Perhaps
you've heard this film makes a series of wry, winking jokes at Disney's
expense, and the thought of Disney and DreamWorks somehow “fighting”
with one another tickles your fancy like a brand new issue of Entertainment
Weekly.
You can rest assured any references to Snow
White, Cinderella, or Pinnochio in Shrek provide no more amusement
than overhearing a rich, white Michael Eisner chuckling on his cel phone
with a rich, white Steven Spielberg. |
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| Two
utterly indistinguishable pieces of shit. |
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Not many
people are likely to give Shrek the time of day. It's the cinematic
equivalent of a noisy, repetitive banner ad made with Macromedia Flash.
You can click on it if you want, but everything you're curious about has
already been given away.
Whether they meant to or not, DreamWorks
has constructed a movie designed for an isolated group of computer illiterates
who possess a limited awareness of what technology is capable of. If you've
never played Quake, if you've never seen Dance Dance Revolution, if you're
unable to send mail without AOL, you will probably give this film four
big, huge stars.
Good or bad, this is a segment of the population
whose numbers are dwindling moment by moment. |
ids with half a brain don't fall into that demographic,
only adults. Only old people stranded on an island of death and
their grandmothers will ever be bamboozled by the likes of Shrek
- and only fat, scraggly gamers or quality assurance oafs like those
familiar with Bill Budge or Pinball Construction Set will devote
the rest of their lives to collecting all the merchandise. |
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( Posted by Rotten Staff )
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