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  June 21, 2001
High School Sports Memories

Health & Fitness For Life

High School Sports Memories

     Heads up! Coach Winnemaker talking. I've overheard a lot students moaning and griping about the new physical education policy here at Pinewood High.
     Sobbing like sissies won't make it go away. Everyone in this room is required to take sixty-four credits of P.E. over the course of the next four years, or they simply won't graduate. Today we'll be starting off with a series of warm-ups designed to get the blood pumping! We're gonna bend and flex and crane our necks in the general direction of physical fitness! It's called calisthenics.


     I want to see palms flat against the hot concrete, backs straight and pert little butts high in the air.

     Did I stutter? I said butts in the air! Animals do it and so can you. It's called presenting, and I expect ten presentable pushups from everyone this morning. If I don't get 'em, I might just ask for a hundred.

     Let's go, butterballs! You look like Christmas hams at the Safeway where my wife shops!

      Okay - now jumping jacks! Everybody into position and shout at the top of your lungs! UP! SPREAD 'EM! TOGETHER! UP! SPREAD 'EM! TOGETHER!  Think of your favorite sport and visualize success!


* DOOF *

      I'm going to be observing everyone. I'm going to be standing directly behind you. Possibly touching you. If I don't hear shouting, you'll be shouting by yourself in front of the group. Maybe with your shirt off! There's nothing “embarrassing” about demonstrating some enthusiasm, Poindexter - unless your balls fall out of your shorts. See me after class and we'll discuss that one-on-one.
     IF YOU GET INJURED, you'll be escorted off the field straight to the nurse's station. Your credit for that class will be erased and you'll have to start all over again.

     We're not in the business of giving birth to a whole new generation of pussies here at Pinewood. The real world is already full of them. You'll find your quote-unquote HTML skills quite useless out there on the field. Nothing will help except a positive mental attitude! How about giving it a hundred and ten percent next time?
     Make no mistake: you will be getting a letter grade in this course, one which severely impacts your ability to secure the college of your choice! Your junior year is your most important!

     See you in summer session, I guess.
     Chin-ups, leg raises and squat-thrusts are also on the menu. This class is only ninety minutes, but I'm happy to stretch it out to a hundred and twenty. That's the length of a feature film, or two episodes of Love Boat back to back!
     “That kid with the skinny toothpick legs? Ten dollars says you can beam the back of his head.”

     My wife says the only reason sports exist at all is because they provide a legitimate venue for legalized gambling. I say nuts to her! Then I push my nuts in her face! Take that, lady. If sports aren't so important, how come they're taught in school, wedged right between Advanced Placement Chemistry and Honors English?

     How come sports of all kinds are featured every night on the local news just after the weather?
      Can my wife answer me that? Not with her mouth full, that's for sure. Sports are introduced to us at an early age because America needs a strong military. You think you can punch and duck your way through hand-to-hand combat like you're sitting on mom's floor with Jack in the Box and a Sony Playstation? You kids need to kick ass overseas like your elders did in Vietnam, or the Gulf, or Kosovo! Ethnic Albanians? More like ethnic complainians. We're running low on decent missiles and bombs, so now it's up to you. Athletics, like the armed forces, provide American citizens with the only legal and constructive outlet for untapped wells of homosexual aggression and destruction.

     In some countries, violence is the name of the game! If a player screws up or a referee makes a bad call, mass riots erupt! Crowds push and shove, legs are broken, people suffocate or get trampled to death. How's that for school spirit? You can bet their militaries are equally coordinated.

      Oh, don't act all scared. It's called rooting for the home team, and that's what sports are really all about! Good for them, is what I say! Do you suppose there's a lesson here about teamwork?
      Who cares whether you win or lose? Grab a golf club and wing-ding the side of somebody's head! Smash a broken bottle against your opponent's face and run away! Run like the wind! Go for the gold!

 “OW! The police dog is biting me!”

     Really? I guess that's what happens when you don't dress out!

     Wait - let me guess. Your uniform is at home? In the laundry? Good place for it! I've heard every excuse in the book, you little squirtbox.

     You'll play softball in your goddamn underpants if I say so. I was young once too, I had to take P.E. and I remember being “afraid” to remove my clothes in front of other boys. But nowadays I totally enjoy it.
     If any of you think you can somehow escape exposing yourself to me or the other P.E. teachers, you're sorely mistaken!  In our day, growing up was all about wading through miles and miles of dog shit. Welcome to the rest of your life! I SAY AGAIN: SIXTY FOUR CREDITS OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION OR NO DIPLOMA.

     Maybe if you stop fiddling around with your baton for two seconds and do the Turkey Trot once or twice around the pavilion, you can stay after school and help out the seniors.

     We need volunteers to collapse the bleachers in the gym and set up tables and chairs for the prom. And when I say “volunteer,” I mean grab the goddamn pen and put your name on the list. Otherwise you'll be picking up trash next Saturday.

     That's it ladies - hit the showers.

     Go! Move it!

( Posted by Rotten Staff )

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