| Rotten
Dot Com Bestsellers - Week of July
4, 2000 |
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Paperbacks Nationwide
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URINE
THERAPY
Nature's Elixir for Good Health
Are you drinking your own urine? Are you splashing it
all over your face and rubbing it in your hair? If not, you
might as well be flushing it down the toilet.
It's liquid sunshine, people! Fill those oversize pickle jars
in your basement and glug it down proper. Load up the ice trays
in your workplace freezer. You owe it to your kids, your spouse,
certainly yourself. Ancient Chinese secret.
(Inner Traditions, $9.95)  |
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DAVE
BARRY IN CYBERSPACE
Dave
Barry
Hey
hey! America's funnyman is on the loose! Pulitzer-prize winning
humorist offers his twisted take on computers, monitors, printer
cables, mouse pads, doorknobs, Monica Lewinsky, airplane food
and anything else at arm's length. Talk about your column
of vomit.
Then he makes a thinly-veiled reference to his penis, takes
a shit in a coffee mug and calls it a day. Whew! I'm winded!
Wheeze and choke your way through tiresome Hallmark-card gags
plagiarized directly from even a child's own life experience.
Pretentious and preachy.
(Fawcett Books, $5.95)
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UNDERSTANDING
COMICS
Scott
McCloud
Pow!
Zap! Duh! Nobody gives two shits about cheap, comical chapbooklets.
That's why they've been called the world's most unappreciated
art form for nearly five thousand years. Take a tour through
the history of scribbly lines and crudely-rendered shapes.
No nudity.
By the time you reach the last chapter, you'll be rip-roarin'
to go rent a movie.
Do you care about fake, made-up plots and characters
who can fly around? Put a gun in your mouth and pull the
trigger.
(Kitchen Sink Press, $21.38)
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DUNGEONS
AND DRAGONS
3rd
Edition Player's Rulebook
Can
we be done with this crap already? Detailed illustrations of
sorcerers, gnome-monks, dwarf barbarians and half-orc paladins
can't help you get laid. Not in a hundred thousand years!
Here's a role anyone can play: you're an adult, you have
a job and you pay taxes. Roll the dice and mortgage your house
a second time. Get a loan to pay for your children's college
education.
Watch them drop out, steal family heirlooms and pursue
a lifestyle of drug addiction. Serves you right.
(Wizards of the Coast, $17.96) |
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MULTIRACIAL
IDENTITY
An
International Perspective
Mark Christian
Is
that a toilet bowl? Hey - why did the black kid with diarrhea
start crying? He thought he was melting!
What did God say after inventing cripples? I can do better!
How do you starve a Mexican? Hide his foodstamps under
his workboots! What did Michael Jackson say after seeing
his new baby? He looks like a nigger! Why does it take
so long for a woman to reach orgasm? Who cares!
How many cocks can a faggot suck before he passes out?
Ten million billion! What do you call an Italian in
court? Guilty! What do you call an Asian kid on a bicycle?
A goddamn thief, that's what! Heil Hitler!
(Palgrave, $59.95)
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The
Glory Hole Murders
Tony
Fennelly
A
gloryhole is not a chrysanthemum. It's a fist-size opening
in the partition between two stalls in the men's room so homosexuals
can lick each other's dicks and still make it home in time
for dinner.
iUniverse.com is neither a publishing company nor a
vibrant new writer's community. It's a fist-sized hole in
the partition between lazy hacks and cigar-chomping wanna-be
Ted Turners.
Neither is a mystery, just an open & shut case
of tertiary pneumonia.
(iUniverse.com, $14.95)
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Thinking
Creatively
Robin
Landa
Fall
in love with the artist within! Unlock your visual imagination!
Foster creativity as a means for spiritual fulfillment!
Are you an poet, a dancer, a digital filmmaker unable to handle
complicated brainstorming techniques like collecting ideas
on 3x5 index cards?
Standing on your head, page 9. Thinking outside your
pants, page 23. Holding your breath forever, page
25.
Try smoking a joint, you fucking pansies.
(North Light Books, $24.74)
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Ronald
Reagan
His
Voice, His Values, His Vision
durlgk
buh apples pluthk gurcbl wuh santa nbl jgh hurrr flurgle
3 (*^hurk ba-gurk >6*(& ^4 toilets g4(*% diapers
{gP @ hglrh toothpicks glpth $3 g { }z|q help
jg94jf 9 gllll uy*&#%9 86 furrrrp 5jgk [kj((
dribbling kN XMV J*scrub brush #^%) +__ _= kleenex
-)(* &{ };. <.:; M9 Jlgi
(DK Publishing, $28.95)
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Hackers:
Hereos of the Computer Revolution
Steven
Levy
Crackers
and phrackers! Phreaks and geeks! War dialers, phone tone
toot-whistles and classic BBS textfile collections!
All of it more retarded today than it's ever been.
A wholly irrelevant compendium of what clumsy, fat kids
do with their lives in between rounds of hard prison time.
Surprise: Puerto Ricans will stab you in the airport restroom
and steal your long-distance calling card.
A veritable encyclopedia of everything already known. People,
places and things which ceased
to be interesting twenty years ago. Impotent like Clifford
Stoll, timely as System 7. The book nobody will ever talk
about.
(Penguin USA, $11.20)
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1001
Things Everyone
Over 55 Should Know
Constance
Schrader
The
children aren't coming to visit. Your bank account has been
depleted. Stop talking while the television's on. Nobody cares
about your old photos. Soon you'll be homeless.
Please sit somewhere else. There isn't any medicine. No, you're
no longer attractive. Your life is over and yes, I'm afraid
you wet yourself.
Never again be forced to hurl these awkward phrases
at the elderly. Just tear out a page and hand it over.
Thank goodness for the joy of reading.
(Main Street Books, $14.95)
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( Posted by Rotten Staff )
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