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  July 4, 2001
Fundamentalisms of Literacy

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1

URINE THERAPY

Nature's Elixir for Good Health



Are you drinking your own urine? Are you splashing it all over your face and rubbing it in your hair? If not, you might as well be flushing it down the toilet.

It's liquid sunshine, people! Fill those oversize pickle jars in your basement and glug it down proper. Load up the ice trays in your workplace freezer. You owe it to your kids, your spouse, certainly yourself. Ancient Chinese secret.

(Inner Traditions, $9.95)
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2

DAVE BARRY IN CYBERSPACE
Dave Barry


Hey hey! America's funnyman is on the loose! Pulitzer-prize winning humorist offers his twisted take on computers, monitors, printer cables, mouse pads, doorknobs, Monica Lewinsky, airplane food and anything else at arm's length. Talk about your column of vomit.

Then he makes a thinly-veiled reference to his penis, takes a shit in a coffee mug and calls it a day. Whew! I'm winded!

Wheeze and choke your way through tiresome Hallmark-card gags plagiarized directly from even a child's own life experience.

Pretentious and preachy.

(Fawcett Books, $5.95)

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3

UNDERSTANDING COMICS
Scott McCloud


Pow! Zap! Duh! Nobody gives two shits about cheap, comical chapbooklets. That's why they've been called the world's most unappreciated art form for nearly five thousand years. Take a tour through the history of scribbly lines and crudely-rendered shapes. No nudity.

By the time you reach the last chapter, you'll be rip-roarin' to go rent a movie.

Do you care about fake, made-up plots and characters who can fly around? Put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.

(Kitchen Sink Press, $21.38)

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4
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS
3rd Edition Player's Rulebook


Can we be done with this crap already? Detailed illustrations of sorcerers, gnome-monks, dwarf barbarians and half-orc paladins can't help you get laid. Not in a hundred thousand years!

Here's a role anyone can play: you're an adult, you have a job and you pay taxes. Roll the dice and mortgage your house a second time. Get a loan to pay for your children's college education.

Watch them drop out, steal family heirlooms and pursue a lifestyle of drug addiction. Serves you right.

(Wizards of the Coast, $17.96)
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5
MULTIRACIAL IDENTITY
An International Perspective
Mark Christian

Is that a toilet bowl? Hey - why did the black kid with diarrhea start crying? He thought he was melting!

What did God say after inventing cripples? I can do better! How do you starve a Mexican? Hide his foodstamps under his workboots! What did Michael Jackson say after seeing his new baby? He looks like a nigger! Why does it take so long for a woman to reach orgasm? Who cares!

How many cocks can a faggot suck before he passes out? Ten million billion! What do you call an Italian in court? Guilty! What do you call an Asian kid on a bicycle? A goddamn thief, that's what! Heil Hitler!

(Palgrave, $59.95)

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6
The Glory Hole Murders
Tony Fennelly

A gloryhole is not a chrysanthemum. It's a fist-size opening in the partition between two stalls in the men's room so homosexuals can lick each other's dicks and still make it home in time for dinner.

iUniverse.com is neither a publishing company nor a vibrant new writer's community. It's a fist-sized hole in the partition between lazy hacks and cigar-chomping wanna-be Ted Turners.

Neither is a mystery, just an open & shut case of tertiary pneumonia.

(iUniverse.com, $14.95)

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Thinking Creatively
Robin Landa

Fall in love with the artist within! Unlock your visual imagination! Foster creativity as a means for spiritual fulfillment!

Are you an poet, a dancer, a digital filmmaker unable to handle complicated brainstorming techniques like collecting ideas on 3x5 index cards?

Standing on your head, page 9. Thinking outside your pants, page 23. Holding your breath forever, page 25.

Try smoking a joint, you fucking pansies.

(North Light Books, $24.74)

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8
Ronald Reagan
His Voice, His Values, His Vision

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(DK Publishing, $28.95)

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9
Hackers: Hereos of the Computer Revolution
Steven Levy

Crackers and phrackers! Phreaks and geeks! War dialers, phone tone toot-whistles and classic BBS textfile collections!

All of it more retarded today than it's ever been. A wholly irrelevant compendium of what clumsy, fat kids do with their lives in between rounds of hard prison time.

Surprise: Puerto Ricans will stab you in the airport restroom and steal your long-distance calling card.

A veritable encyclopedia of everything already known. People, places and things which
ceased to be interesting twenty years ago. Impotent like Clifford Stoll, timely as System 7. The book nobody will ever talk about.

(Penguin USA, $11.20)

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10
1001 Things Everyone
Over 55 Should Know
Constance Schrader

The children aren't coming to visit. Your bank account has been depleted. Stop talking while the television's on. Nobody cares about your old photos. Soon you'll be homeless.

Please sit somewhere else. There isn't any medicine. No, you're no longer attractive. Your life is over and yes, I'm afraid you wet yourself.

Never again be forced to hurl these awkward phrases at the elderly. Just tear out a page and hand it over.

Thank goodness for the joy of reading.



(Main Street Books, $14.95)

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