Rotten.com's Gaping Maw

CENSORED BY US GOVERNMENT

2005-06-23T16:20:00-07:00

Yes, that is correct. The wonderful things that used to be here, the very funny things that you want to read, have been made retroactively illegal by the US government, in a side-handed attack on the pornography industry. We might mention that the material here isn't even pornography as you normally think of it -- this site is just adult humor, in essay format, with some illustrations.

Killing Chompy

2002-09-08T16:20:00-07:00

Hibernating somewhere in the dew dappled wilderness of Yosemite Valley, California is a 200-pound female grizzly bear, nicknamed "Chompy" by a handful of local residents. Over the course of a single weekend in 1989, Chompy mauled and indiscriminately disfigured thirteen separate campers. By all accounts, her victims were torn apart in ways more horrifying than anyone could ever imagine. Today these individuals are missing limbs and largely confined to wheelchairs, and Chompy's whereabouts are unknown.

Prostitution Arrest Comedy Benefit

2002-05-29T16:20:00-07:00

"Good evening! Good evening and thank you. Thank you all for coming up north to demonstrate your support for the fantabulous men and women who keep getting arrested for prostitution-related offenses here in beautiful downtown Saint Paul and parts of Frogtown."

Gaping Maw Digest - March 28, 2002

2002-03-28T16:20:00-08:00

True Tales of Courage, Punishments For Talking Too Much, Almost In Threes, Cocksucker's Playhouse

Gaping Maw Digest - March 22, 2002

2002-03-22T16:20:00-08:00

Book Talk, Siegfried & Roy Celebrity Sex Romp Swing-A-Long, Nixon Unplugged, Kids Korner

Gaping Maw Digest - March 19, 2002

2002-03-19T16:20:00-08:00

Let's Never Forget, Super Duper Pranks, And Speaking Of Girls, Oh, That Grinch!

Gaping Maw Digest - March 12, 2002

2002-03-12T16:20:00-08:00

Welcome to Pedophile Park, Science & Health, More Like Jizzlam!

Gaping Maw Digest - March 2, 2002

2002-03-02T16:20:00-08:00

The Mouths of Babes, COLUMBINE FACIAL MASSACRE, Animated GIF Roundup, UPDATE: Andrea Yates Trial

Gaping Maw Digest - February 20, 2002

2002-02-20T16:20:00-08:00

The People in Your Neighborhood, The Dead Zone (Part 1), Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up, Youth Art Contest Winner!

Gaping Maw Digest - February 14, 2002

2002-02-14T16:20:00-08:00

Are You Still Here, I Wuv Spying On You Beary Beary Much, Did You Fuck Him? Just Tell Me The Truth!

Gaping Maw Digest - February 12, 2002

2002-02-12T16:20:00-08:00

Mo Betta Greta (Redux), Spotlight: Cripples, A N A G R A M S ! ! !

Gaping Maw Digest - February 5, 2002

2002-02-05T16:20:00-08:00

Hilariousness in Real Life!, Webcams & Whatnot!, Hello I'm On Angel Dust, the Puffy Jacket diaries..

Gaping Maw Digest - February 3, 2002

2002-02-03T16:20:00-08:00

Now Who Could Throw Away Such Beautiful Music, Massive Snow Shit Closes Gloryhole, Community Beat, So Fucking God-Awful Tired

Gaping Maw Digest - January 31, 2002

2002-01-31T16:20:00-08:00

The Kidnapped Journalist Nobody Cared About, From Around The Web, Suicide Child, Radioactive Urine, Community Beat!, The Church of Domino's Pizza

America Goes To War

2001-10-08T16:20:00-07:00

Christ gals, you've never seen the world's biggest bong before? It's perfectly simple: put your thumb and forefinger around the Oh La La! baguette cart at the mezzanine. Wrap your lips around the Verizon wireless offices and Charles Schwab headquarters at the top. I'll hold the lighter in one hand and my cock in the other while you inhale. No, ladies, no! You're doing it all wrong! Oh for god sakes, you're letting the precious smoke out! See if I ever try getting you stoned again. Put on your brassieres and exit my van this instant. Dumb blondes wasting my Phish tickets. GET OUT, I SAID!

Rescuing Cats from the Big, Bad World

2001-09-30T16:20:00-07:00

In every town live sadists who hate cats. This is hardly news, since many of these monsters are more than happy to advertise. You've even seen some of their websites. When you were a little girl, everyone knew it was wrong to hurt animals. These days, people showcase their depravities. It's sickening.

The Deal With Las Vegas

2001-07-26T16:20:00-07:00

When Rotten Dot Com informed me I was going to Las Vegas on a gonzo journalism assignment, my first reaction was: didn't Terry Gilliam and Johnny Depp already cover this material?

Mad Cow Disease

2001-07-10T16:20:00-07:00

This Independence Day weekend, instead of throwing sparklers at each other in the back yard, three thousand like-minded individuals gathered in Pamplona, Spain to participate in San Fermin's annual running of the bulls. First, the animals are incited to riot. They're jabbed and stabbed with banderillas: long, sharp spikes adorned with multicolored flags and ribbons. When six 500-pound bulls are deemed full-on fed up with human beings, each is released into a crowd of bumbling tourists and liquored up college students.

Fundamentalisms of Literacy

2001-07-04T16:20:00-07:00

Rotten Dot Com Bestsellers for the week of July 4, 2000.

Mothers Who Think

2001-06-26T16:20:00-07:00

She sits in a jail cell, in a state of deep psychosis and twenty-four hour suicide watch. With her bug-out eyes, stringy hair and pallid skin, she serves as an icon American males can recognize almost immediately. Andrea Yates represents every crazy, schized-out manic depressive you've ever accidentally considered propositioning for an evening of drunken, forgettable sexual intercourse. The crazy girl at the coffee shop, telling lies to whomever might listen. The loudmouth techno-bopper taking off her clothes at Burning Man. The lady in that one cubicle with all the plants who likes to read. Get involved with any of these people and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

High School Sports Memories

2001-06-21T16:20:00-07:00

"Everyone in this room is required to take sixty-four credits of P.E. over the course of the next four years, or they simply won't graduate. Today we'll be starting off with a series of warm-ups designed to get the blood pumping! We're gonna bend and flex and crane our necks in the general direction of physical fitness! It's called calisthenics."

Deconstructing Shrek

2001-06-13T16:20:00-07:00

Rotten.com goes to the movies, piddles on Shrek.

Mars Needs Boobs

2001-06-07T16:20:00-07:00

On Wednesday June 6, the Russian space program announced it would likely ban women cosmonauts from any upcoming expeditions to Mars. Is European astro-methodology again demonstrating its superiority over that of the United States?

Celebrate Youth

2001-06-04T16:20:00-07:00

Rock on! You finally made it! Come on in and grab yourself an ice cold brewski. Tonight there's only two words on anyone's lips.. PAR-TAY!!

News of the News

2001-05-30T16:20:00-07:00

Marriage in any society plods forth in a long stretch of mutual despair punctuated by death. For some, the misery begins right away. What a horrible concept, legally chaining yourself to another human being forever, in holy matrimony. If your income taxes don't go up, the scaffold at your wedding reception comes tumbling down.

Chester the Molester Sequestered

2001-05-23T16:20:00-07:00

O CHESTER WE HARDLY KNEW YE

The Art of Roadkill

2001-05-22T16:20:00-07:00

This gives me a big fat boner, but perhaps that's just me.

The Wizard Of Stupid

2001-05-21T16:20:00-07:00

Johnny Hart's syndicated comic strips B.C. and The Wizard Of Id have afforded him a combined audience in the hundreds of millions. The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and the Guinness Book of World Records have independently crowned Mr. Hart the number one newspaper cartoonist in the world. Since the 1980s, Mr. Hart has used this massive platform to perform one of the most insipid, unasked for services in the history of funny papers. He offers readers serious, somber Christian messages on holidays like Christmas, Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Over time, most editors have come to expect this. A few continue to roll their eyes.

SPOTLIGHT: Comics Forum Focusbeat

2001-05-18T16:20:00-07:00

Confident brushwork and memorable storylines mark the debut of this anonymous 14-year-old cartoonist, knocked down and raped in a cafeteria bathroom stall.

Rotten Investigated by the FBI

2001-02-21T16:20:00-08:00

You can imagine our surprise when we read that rotten.com was being investigated by the FBI, on the front page of the UK newspaper The Independent. Apparently someone at Scotland Yard decided to "close the website" after he saw some pictures that upset him.

The Nine Lives of Bonsai Kitten

2001-01-21T16:20:00-08:00

A brief discussion about Bonsai Kitten

Donna Rice and Pornography

2001-01-15T16:20:00-08:00

Now that Donna Rice's fifteen minutes of fame have run out for orally servicing Gary Hart aboard his yacht, she has apparently decided to jump on the "infantilize the Internet so parents don't have to be parents" bandwagon.

The Rotten Codicil

2001-01-06T16:20:00-08:00

Friends, you will die. How it happens, when it happens, that's something even you probably can't predict (unless your lifestyle is a particularly dangerous one). It could be decades from now, or as soon as you finish reading this page. That's the spice of life, and an excellent reason to occasionally go streaking. But ponder this idea, before you bury yourself in your worldly thoughts once more: Will you consider adding a "Rotten Codicil" to your will?

Why Be Mean to our President Elect

2000-12-17T16:20:00-08:00

Too many people have sent us hate mail about the "Cocaine President" picture that is our current masthead. Most of them seem under the impression that since we'll run a "slur" like that on Bush, our staff simply must be Gore supporters. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Breaking on the Wheel

2000-12-15T16:20:00-08:00

All about the Rotten.com logo.